Can we be 100% self-reliant?

Can we be 100% self-reliant when we have this innate need for validation, acknowledgment and recognition?

Where does this need comes from in the first place?

If we were born perfect, why do we feel that we are not enough and constantly have to strive for more?

I do believe that every one is born perfect. There is no good nor bad, no right or wrong, no sense of meaning and thus we don't suffer. Everything unfold moment by moment, naturally. Hunger, discomfort, we cry, brain produce endorphins, we self-soothes. 

But as we grow, we receive tons of input: "This is wrong" "That is right". "Stop it." "No." "You are such a good boy.". People older than us are constantly approving or disapproving what we 'naturally' want to do. We can always ignore them and stick to our guns but biology made us in such a way that our brain develop way faster than our body. Thus, we are unable to convert our thoughts into action and become dependent. (e.g. can't reach the door handle, not enough strength to open the jar, can't walk / run steadily, cant express out our thoughts clearly) 

So we need people. Mainly to feed us and care for us. We want them to understand us. Such dependency inevitably lead us wanting people to like us so that they will give us what we want. "I'll be a good girl and THEN I can get that candy that I want". We are being 'controlled' in that sense due to our own lack of physical ability, to love, care and look after ourselves. It no surprise when we reach adolescent (a period where we began to master our spatial ability and critical thinking), we want independence so badly. We stop trying to 'please' as proof our sense of identity, our independence. Yet the truth of the matter is, we are already too used to pleasing people to get them to accept us. It is what we have been doing for the past 10 over years. We have become socially interdependent (my identity is tie yours and others around me and vice versa). It is not possible to just undo what has been programed in us so easily. So what do we do next?

We seek peers and society approval. This is the part of your life where you are trying out independence and wanting to do things by yourself and be successful by your own means. What does success means for an adolescent? Depending on what the environment had taught thus far, it can be academic or skills or something else like fame. That feeling of inadequacy still follow us around, making our decision and choices,  pushing us towards excellence to reach what we deem as success. Striving for perfection.

All this is well, normal. But back to the question: "Can we be 100% self-reliant?" We are so imbedded into the society and environment, seeking acknowledgement and achievements, using social definition and judgement to mark our own progress or even define us as successful or a failure. It seems almost impossible to be self-reliant unless we cut off the whole world (and all its social definition) and go be a hermit. But who would want to live that way. Without definition, life is meaningless. Also, do we really want accept all the consequences we face in our life as OUR OWN choice and decision and nothing to do with the 'situation'? That is a huge call. 

Well, here's a thought. What if we disregard all definitions of success and failures and create our own? What if we can see that we are all made perfect in the first place and throw away all judgements and perceptions that was programed onto us? What if we can unconditionally love, validate, acknowledge and accept ourselves without another soul's approval? What if we can support each other's definition instead of measuring and comparing each other's like there is only one answer? 

Then we will be able to see other as an equal, as a friend and most important of all : Be 100% self-reliant.

The Goal behind Emotion

 What if behind every emotion there is a goal?

I believe that emotions are an illusion. It's not real in the sense that it can come and go within a second.

So what is the purpose of emotion? Why do we create it in the firsts place? 

In a nutshell, the goal of all emotion (yes all) is to feel superior (or less inferior) in someway to actualize I am. To truly feel "I'm right, you're wrong." I'm better than you".

Example: I see someone doing something I deemed wrong and thus I judge them to be some one I dislike. I chose to dislike. The person perhaps didn't intentionally nor personally out to get me / piss me off  in the first place. Yet, with my new dislike, I will continue to seek out things that validate my point, finding evidence, coming up with story (when there is no evidence) to paint that person in a certain way that fitted  my diagnosis. (some times it even actualized and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy)

Even when they did nothing, it's wrong. The more I dislike, the more I seek of the person weakness. The more weakness I found, the more I justify my dislike, stance and position. It's a self-feeding cycle  to justify myself that I was right.  The more justification I get, the more I feel like I'm better and superior, that I'm right. So one can say the true goal of this dislike is to make my own self feel better. 

Another way to put it: I don't like and accept myself. To do so, I must be better, more right, climb up over others, improve. 

(Could be a coincidence that the word Improve is spelled like I'm + prove. Like the whole point of improve is to prove the existence of I am, the ego)

And what happens if  I can't improve? How else can I bring myself up quickly? Bring other people down. Show and point out to them that "Nah, you are wrong. I'm right". That's one cheap way of gaining self-confidence and self-recognition. 

But it's an illusion right from the start. Create by the ego to manifest it own self. And to keep it inflate, one have to consistently seek out stuff that validate it's viewpoint, its judgement, to prove "I'm right". (to prove I am).

Same goes for anger. Did someone did something that made you angry? Or could the truth be that you felt inferior, were already unhappy and thus you are seeking for things to be angry about and jump up into a rage the  first moment you find a chance to do so. To assert, to raise your voice, to go into "I'm Right, You are Wrong!" mode to feel superior? People can do the shittiest things. We can choose to respond and not react. We can choose to have a conversation instead of jumping straight into anger.

The feeling of victimized and limited is tricky. What is the goal behind: Nah, I cant because …You don't understand.. (and the cycle repeats and one stays a victim) What could be the goal behind this? Here is where it gets dark. Like above example of people seeking other's weakness constantly to reinforce the emotion of dislike, feelings of victimized can be seek out too, thus the term self-sabotaging. "I can suffer and take more shit that normal people, I'm superior" " I am as good as others but I have this thing that I can't do it" " I let other win and I lose because I'm nicer than other people". All these justification to reinforce a toxic version of "I'm right, I'm better than you".

 As within, So without. How you see reflects how you feel deep inside. You don't see a satisfied person dissing about others shit or self sabotaging or trying to prove to the world that they are happy. They have the courage to respect and love themselves unconditionally (even when the whole world felt that you fail and disappointed them). There is no need to struggle and improve: no I am and thus nothing to prove.

When you can do that too, you will be truly satisfied and shall have no use for illusionary emotion.

Just be, just accept and just love.

The Right Path

How do I know that I am on the right path?

My whole life so far is a series of subscription.

Subscribing to whatever that is in front of me. One can call it swaying with the wind.

From parents to friends to books.

Every time I read / learn something new I dive right in.

Meditation wise I went for silent retreat, attended MBSR courses and do Yoga.

Lived by so many books : 7 Habits, Loving What Is, Soulful Simplicity, Kon Mari, Curated Closet, Project 333.

I truly enjoyed Psychology + Philosophy mixture. This is clearly shown in my likings for books and channels like School of Life, The Art of Thinking Clearly, Thinking Fast and Slow. Psychology is everywhere. After all, at the end of Psychology is the working of the human brain.

What about Philosophy? Its the art of living. Living a good and happy life. 

Many books and wisdom is a merge of both. It is after knowing how one things work, that heightens one's awareness via understanding, that one can use the tool (apply ourselves) better.

While I do believe in Universe (which can neither be classify under psychology or philosophy. More like a religion as its faith base) I still find it overlapping in both school of thoughts.

Like in 7 Habits. there is mention of building horizontal relationship, of focusing on one's own circle of influence. Same in Adlerian Psychology, focusing on one's task. Your tasks is to contribute, accept yourself and others as they are (in being) and leave the rest to them. 

Basically, leave it to the Universe. Haha

Passive? Nope. Liberating.

Easy? Nope. Ego is so damn hard to remove.

In Aldlerian Psychology, one have to accept one self fully, in the being.

Next to separate tasks and focus on one's own. 

Third, to treat all relationship (with everything in this Universe, even inanimate objects) as equal.

Will all these, you shall find love, joy and peace. 

The steps are clear, the path requires courage though. The courage to challenge and kill off your ego.

So back to the topic, How do I know I'm on the Right Path?

Well, I know when I feel congruent. My body, mind and soul have no conflict and I feel a inner sense of security. Stillness and clarity.

Do I have that now? In glimpses, yes. Requires a lot of introspection and ruminating over stuff. All these need silence. Silence of the mind. I have been practicing "Leave it all to the Universe, Be Present" recently. This helps with the incessant flow of thoughts and allow me to Just Be. 

It's hard when one is in social setting though. We act differently, think differently, so fast so unnoticeable. We seek conformity, acceptance and validation. Which is why I said understanding allow us to identify it and be aware of it. With awareness, accepting and untangling will be easier. 

I guess I haven't fully internalize being One with the Universe. If I do, I would not have issue treating all things and being as equal (since they are me and I am them). This, according to Adlerian Psychology is the main cause of unhappiness. All problems are Interpersonal. Hope that by reading "The Courage to be Dislike" will make the path clearer ahead.

Everyone is searching for the answer to the big question : What is Happiness and how to get it?

The answer is that it is always there within your reach, in a distance of a breath. But it's not a destination that one can reach and stay there. Not a place in time and space, not to be grasps. There is a path though and one just have to flow with it.

Staying True to Nature

Today I let go all my fears, worries and hate. Together with my hopes and dreams, I hand them all over to the Universe. Some may call it God. I prefer to use the word Universe as it doesn't have any connotation to any religion. Lesser forms, lesser perception. I can call it anything since after all its just some alphabets arranged in a manner to form a word. A word is nothing until we, human, gave it meaning.

So is everything else in this world.

Why must we give things meaning? This is a drag, that is so boring, this is so frustrating, that is a total waste of time. Red is passion, blue is sorrow. Dawn is full of opportunities, night if full of terrors. Look at the trees. They don't bother about meaning. They just do what is in their nature: to take in air, water, sunlight and nutrient, and gave out oxygen, grow tall and grow leaves. Some may grow fast, some may grow slow. Some bear fruits some bear nothing but leaves. Some got struck by lightning some got chopped down. They don't get happy, angry, sad, tired. No matter what happen, they stay true to their nature: to take in air, water, sunlight and nutrient, and gave out oxygen, grow tall and grow leaves every day, every minute, every second, every breathe of the way. 

Same with animals. You see squirrel, birds, fish, cats etc. They all know what to do the moment they popped out of their mom's belly (or eggs). What purpose do they serve? No one knows. Do they need a purpose to do what they do? Nope. They just follow their instinct and stay true to their nature. Find food, survive, sleep, repeat. There is no 'meaning' behind every breath and action. There is no seeking of answers, no problems to be solved, no comfort nor hardship. They just live each day, each minute, each second, each breathe as it goes by. 

Humans. Oh we think we so smart, sentient being, walking on moon and all. Yet we are stuck in an endless cycle of satisfaction and expectation, of problems and solution, of seeking meaning and purpose. It's futile to impose meaning, definition, expectation and purpose when there is none. All these only leads to frustration. We will live a life free of suffering when we stop imposing and start living a live true to our nature. And what do living to our nature entails? Living each day, each minute, each second, each breathe as it come and go. 

An Intervention

Right. Let's start.

No more escaping. Smoking. Trying to find other things to do. Let's face it.

Yup. What's the smoking about? First 3 puff then 5puffs.

Am I really falling into my own pit again? Let's face the truth. Let's go.

The past week felt like drudgery. Everything is drudgery. Work, relationships, everything. Sleeping later and later, using caffeine to pull me through the day. Struggling hours on end whether to skip work or suffer through another day. I sensed that it’s spiraling down, down into a pit of familiar discomfort : of self-sabotaging and U-turns when things are going great.

Work. I have felt more and more disjointed towards my work the more I dive into my creative self. I started to spent more time on my personal projects, doing things that spark joy for my soul. All was great. 

Relationship. I understand that my happiness is my own responsibility and the objective of being with someone is not to expect them to change or even understand me on a spiritual level. It is truly about the support when you are weak, feeling safe under a sense of dependability and stability that they provide.

Above all, I have fully internalize As Within, So Without. My reality is nothing but a projection of my inner self. No one can make me happy if I ain't genuinely feeling joy and balance within.

Thus, here I am, trying to untangle what had happen. What changed from a centered, balance core to one that everything felt like a drag. Basically: Why am I unhappy?

To complain and start listing down how the world should be, how the person around should be is futile. It can go on and on and on without going anywhere. Let's try something more constructive. An honest conversation with my inner self.

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Dear Soul, why are you sad?

Have I not been showing up to the morning pages daily? Have I not bring you out for a date? Have I not try to listen and say No when you say no? Have I not ask what is it that makes you feel Hell Yeah?

Yes.

So what is the problem?

I haven't felt Hell Yeah! in a long time.

Is there something in particular that you would like to point out?

Yes. Last week blog post. We were already drafting something half way. But as you ran out of time, you swept it under the carpet and decided to go for something half-bake: copying and pasting a parable without a trace of my input left. What's the point of asking me talk when you have no intention of hearing me.

I'm sorry. Truly. I did tried to make it up to you by bringing you out to explore your creativity and work on your closet project.

Oh yeah? MY closet project. Right. You are the one who is sick of your closet. Nice job saying that it's for me. You do know it ain't a proper date if there is an objective right? The whole point of an artist date is doing things for the sake of doing things. Not because you want to achieve certain objective like revamping your closet.

So you felt silence and blocked since last Saturday, is that correct?

Yes. Maybe even before that. When was the last time we did a crazy fun date like rock climbing, hike at Mt. Faber, cycling in the dark and rain, swings and playground like no one cared. Oh, and the spa. It was supposed to be spiritual. You almost ruin the spa experience with your photo taking, posting on IG and trying to practice singing while in the onsen. Like seriously. Stop the multitasking. It's killing the joy with all the chase after meaning, task and achievement. 

I'm sorry. I have been trying you know. Bounce is out for a few more weeks and I don't know what else is Hell Yeah! enough for you.

Well, it really ain't that hard you know. Making bead jewelry, changing the mood board, cycling / swimming, stop being a block at work, sing your heart out, dance like no one care. Most importantly, stop blocking/ resisting/ take over all these things that I want to do. So what if I haven't learn any new songs? I can still belt my heart out with an oldie. So what if making the earring is gonna take up lots of time and that I wont wear it? So what if swimming is gonna be in a public area and you have to leave within an hour time due to Covid measures? So what if night cycling requires me to wake up at 4am? Just do it! it's not suppose to make any sense. Making sense out of everything, trying to fit into a box for everything is killing the joy out of everything. And the most most most tiring thing is, this is not the first time I'm telling you my list. I have said it more than once in the morning pages, you had it jotted down in your notebook but it doesn't get done! It just get swept under the carpet. Those times that you did pull it out was more of a half bake effort because you want to checked it off the list and make your own self feel good. It was rarely 100% for the sake of doing it by itself. To put in real effort is to truly set aside time for it and get out of the way. Just like the oil painting. Remember how you were doubting yourself every 30sec of the way? Get out of the way. There is no mistake, no right or wrong. If you truly want to attain a deep sense on bliss, joy and peace, please, stop trying to control everything and just get out of the way. You don't have to 'try' to do it. It's not for you but for me. Me being the source, the universe, the truth. Let me flow. 
This is for the both of us. When I flow, you flow. As Within, So Without. Trust the universe and you will be rewarded, with peace, bliss and joy.

Hell Yeah!

 

The Mexican Fisherman - a Parable by Heinrich Böll

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it.

The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The banker then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican fisherman replied he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman replied,

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos: I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The investment banker scoffed:

“I am an Ivy League MBA, and I could help you. You could spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats until eventually, you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to the middleman, you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You could control the product, processing and distribution.”

Then he added: “Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City where you would run your growing enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied: “15–20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said,

“That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?”

To which the investment banker replied:

“Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Fear

To fear is to be human. It’s natural to feel fear and all we have to do it overcome it. But subconscious / subtle fear can go unnoticed, and unnoticed fear won’t allow us to overcome it. Mindfulness still plays a big role in the path to peace. Only suffering in consciousness can we end suffering. 

What fears do I have? Let’s just take today for example. It has barely been 2 hrs since I woke up. I had done my morning routine, not spoken to anyone but my brain, and am typing this on the transport to work. What fears could I have?

Here are those I manage to catch:

- fear that I won’t have time to do my morning routine in a mindful way as I snoozed an extra 10mins in bed (this first one is already self-contradictory)

- fear that I had forgot any important meeting for work today

- fear that if I don’t schedule my time to the hour, I will not be able to achieve everything I want to get done for the week

- fear that I’m not doing my yoga correctly 

- fear that I will miss out a spot when I brush my teeth

- fear that my dad will talk to me and make me late for work

- fear that I will forgot to bring my keys or wallet 

- fear of judgement and conscious of people looking at my phone as I type this

When I truly observe them, it’s all quite lame and unnecessary fear. It’s almost liked my brain is telling me Alert! Alert! But it’s all just self-justification. If I can just calm my brain down, or insert some logic, all of my above fears have no base / reason to even exist. 

If I was mindful and present...

- I would achieve my intention of going through my morning routine mindfully and actually started my day the way I want it to.

- I would remember important work meeting and also be ready for it.

- I would get things done the right way, with purpose and quality, not rush for quantity.

- I would not be perturb by strangers looking at my phone or even anyone rejecting my thoughts (ego). 

- I would be able to do yoga properly and connect my mind body and soul as one.

- I would brush my teeth without missing any spot.

- I would be able to have quality time with my dad and still reach work on time 

- I would remember bring all my stuff (wallet and keys)

Even if things didn’t turn out exactly as I mentioned: 

- I did spent a tad more time with my dad/ that 10mins snooze made me late for work.

- I did forgot an important work meeting.

- I didn’t clear all my do to list by this week.

- I did get rejected / frown upon by a total stranger 

- I did fell off the yoga mat

- I did missed a spot when I brush my teeth.

- I did forgot my wallet or keys.

It will not be the end of the world. As I fall mindfully, I can stand up mindfully, dust off mindfully and continue on my journey mindfully. It’s not about being perfect or achieving tons of things (both of which I believe are an illusion created by our ego) but staying trueand focus without fear getting in the way.

Fear disguises itself in various forms: 

- Reminiscence/can’t let go of the past/can’t move on > fear that you won’t experience such happiness or have a better life that before ever again.

- Worrying/incessant planning about the future > fear of losing control, fear of failure.

- Constraining yourself to fit in the society > fear of rejection, fear of being invisible

- Chasing after achievements/ success/ perfect body>fear of being deem as a failure.

All the above fears are not real and does nothing but perpetuate itself. Many times, it made me believe it’s real and because I believed it, it became real. 

There was a movie called About Time. It tells a story about a guy who can travel back in time and come back to the present. He realised that by living the day twice, he gets to linger more, savour the little things more and live a fuller life. The same things get done and same situation happened but without the rush, worry or fear (because he has already lived through the day once and know for certainty what will or will not happen). 

While I don’t have time travelling skill, nor did I ever had a chance to lived my day twice, I sure can visualise.

Let’s stimulate a very generic scenario: I want sometime and worried/ fear that it will not happen because nothing is fully 100% within my power / control. I can do 2 things:

(A) Fear and worry. 

(B) Accept now, be present

The first possible outcome is that it went as planned:

So, in (A), my fear and worry are uncalled for and I moved on to find new things to fear and worry about. The cycle continues.

In (B), I would be at peace throughout the whole process and even be grateful for the good outcome.

The other possible outcome is it didn’t went as planned:

In (A), I would have suffered through the fear and worry, suffered again as my worst fear actualized and even get stuck in the cycle of “See, I knew it will happen. I told you so” which is not constructive to the situation at all.

In (B), I will let the situation come, work within my circle of influence, be constructive, accept whatever outcome, let it come and let it go. I accept myself, I accept the situation with no judgement no expectation other than it is what it is. I'm at peace.

(B) is a clear winner.

The truth about fear is that it is nothing but an illusion conjure up by the self serving ego. It does nothing but hinders the truth and strengthen itself. The true fear actually belongs to the ego. It is afraid of it's own demise. If it doesnt create some fear, what will be left to prove of its own existence? 

Without the ego, there will be no fear. And without fear, we will live a life truer to our purpose. 

Stillness

I'm always trying to do something to improve my life. Diving into stuff to change or improve something:

fitness challenge one after another, doing a mood board, revamping my room, decorating, shifting things here and there, cleaning out my closet, gratitude journal, planning and scheduling, doing self-help project one after another (even overlapping them). 

Yet the times that I truly felt moments of true joy and peace was not in the action of doing all these stuffs above or even in the achievement of reaching the goal. It was found in moments of inner stillness like when:

- warm sunlight kissing my skin in the morning

- faint flora scent wafting from my dried-up flowers

- soft breeze brushing my face through the window

- the sound of crickets and birds 

- stroking my toothbrush against my teeth

- observing the various shade of brown in my eyes

- the space created through expansion of my lungs and chest

- the smell and humidity as rain starts to fall

- leaves, carried by the wind, tumbling across the ground 

- a single breath

The gateway to inner stillness seems quite random but it all boils down to consciousness/ awareness. It can be found within regardless the external is peaceful or chaotic. Under a raging thunderstorm, a bird can be found calmly nesting its egg under the protection of the tree. To state an extreme example, just Google search: Burning Monk. How can one person sit in peace and tranquillity through self-immolation? Utter surrender and inner peace I suppose.

And inner stillness doesn’t mean being motionless. One can be motionless for three hours and have a million thoughts, troubling the mind, stirring the restless soul. I have attended silent retreat and seen people who fidget every other second and left the next day. I myself have sat motionlessly for 4hours straight with all sorts of random thoughts racing through every second of it. Neither peace nor inner stillness was found. 

Having space to move, to think, to breath, to linger do make the path towards inner stillness clearer. Thus, through my decluttering project (Marie Kondo and Project 333), I’ve gain clarity at certain point. The stillness created through all the extra space allowed me to experience life in full HD: rich and colourful. 

However, as with life, all things are impermanence. My stillness was never a permanent achievement. Stuff starts to pile up, list of To-Dos gets longer, plans and appointments goes further into my calendar. My soul will lay dormant and let me brain run on autopilot mode for days on end with no awareness. Time and time again I still got carried away with clearing stuff, doing too much and forgot that it’s not less stuff or more achievements I seek, but more inner space and stillness. Restlessness and fatigue that sleep can’t cure plagued me.  Some tell-tale signs are:

- things ‘seemed’ to be messy.

- task to do felt like pointless drudgery.

- thoughts are focus on planning what to do next, spotted by past memories here and there. But never in the Now.

- tossing around on bed unable to sleep for more than 30mins. 

- trying to fill some hollowness through social media / entertainment.

- snapping at my old folk. (guilty) 

These are signs that I need an intervention. To sit down, slow down, linger and find space within. It’s always through such reflections that I can start to see clearer again: 

- How in a rush to check things off/do something, I forsake quality or meaning

- Why I did certain things when my heart says no

- What item/behaviour/situation are Just Because 

I don’t think constant awareness is something I can master. It’s an ongoing process, of up and down, of reacting and reflection, of pausing then responding. It’s through such actions that I find stillness. The act of letting things be, let it flow through and let peace come. 

When I first started on my journey, it was through meditation. Breathing, body scan, listen to tracks, listening to nature, listening to nothing. But as I (or rather my brain) got used to it, it will strengthen its resistance (kind of like how cockroaches get immune to insecticide after few spray) and wandering thoughts became more persistent. Thus, I need to find new ways to reach stillness. Awareness is the death of ego /mind. To really silent the brain, I have to make my brain aware of stillness first. Using form to enter the formless. Simply put, using thoughts / feeling to enter stillness.

What I find useful now (and practising) are 3 techniques I learnt from Eckhart Tolle's book: The Power of Now:

1) Pause and feel your inner body 

It can be trying to feel my soul / feel what’s under my skin / feel the blood flowing through my veins / feel my internal organs / heart beat / something. The abstract of it all makes me focus. It is precisely aren’t something conceptual/ tangible that I can grasp that makes it so effective. (my brain REALLY tend to take things for granted once I attained it)

2) Asking my wandering brain: "I wonder what my next thought will be"

I can’t have 2 concurring thoughts at the same time. Conscious concurring thoughts. (not the unconscious brain stuck in the last song syndrome or something). Thus, when I force my brain to think of what my next thought will be, it puts it into a conundrum. Most of the time, nothing turns up in that state of anticipation and stillness is found.

3)  Always reserve some energy on the awareness/consciousness.

This is useful but the hardest as I need to set the intention first. Else I have to wait until I catch myself autopiloting before I can restart it. But by doing so, there is always an inner calm within me. Kind of like how the ocean may be churning on the surface but the depth is in a calm flow state.

And with this stillness and peace, all creations felt connected as one. An undeniable smile appears across my face and a glow emanates from my heart.

Being Invulnerable

The Bird and the Wind

Once there was a young bird who accidentally fell out of his nest. Feeling lost and unable to fly, he started walking.

Along the way, he met a chicken. The chicken taught him many things: how to peck the ground for worms, how to cross the road and how to crow at the break of dawn each morning. The bird was eager to learn and even more eager to be accepted. He learns as much and as fast as he could. As each day goes by, he can find worms faster, run away from passing cars faster and puff his chest bigger to crow louder. But no matter how hard he tried; he just can’t do it as well as the chicken. Before long, he felt that it was time to move on to better things.

Along he walks, he met a duck. The duck taught him how to keep his wings tight to float on water, paddle around the pond and dive his head into the water to look for weeds and fish eggs. He was struggling initially, trying to stay afloat in the pond, clawing its feet in the water and trying out his new diet. Sometimes the weeds make him unwell, but he doesn’t want to disappoint the duck’s effort, and so he assures (both him and the duck) that everything was fine. He sticks extra feathers on his body to keep him afloat (and warm) in the water, he glued leaves on his feet so he can paddle faster. But the feathers fell and the leaves broke. Not to mention, he really kind of misses his worms. And so, he left the duck and continued his search.

What was he exactly searching for? He doesn’t know. What he does know is that the time spent with the chicken and the duck, while fun, wasn’t the answer. Deep inside, he didn’t ‘feel’ right. Feeling troubled and lost once again, he continued to walk.

A gush of wind blew in his face. His feathers ruffled and his wings spread slightly apart. “What was that?” he thought. It felt so weird. For a brief moment, he thought he had felt something inside. Something that he has no words for. Both the chicken and the duck didn’t prepare him for this. Being cautious and fearful, he straighten up his feathers, tightens up his wings closer to his body and continues his walk. 

Another gush of wind blew! This time longer and stronger. It pry his wings wider apart this time. He felt it again, stronger this time. The wind between his wings and body, and through all his feathers. His fears of the unknown deepen, and he decides to hurdle down harder and resist the wind stronger than ever.

This time the wind blew even harder. It blows and blows as he claws his feet into the ground like the chicken taught him, and buried his head down like the duck taught him. Alas, the wind was too strong for him, and he rolled backwards.

~Flip flop plop blob flip flop plop blob~

He rolls and rolls while the wind blows and blows.

In the midst of chaos and disorientation, he let go of his wings and they spread wide open.

Whoosh! Up he went with the wind!

He took a peek and realised that he was flying. Higher and higher, he starts to look back. He saw the ground where he spent many days crowing and clawing getting further and further away from him. The pond where he spent even more night learning how to swim getting smaller and smaller. Fear crept up on him once more! Panicking, he starts to crow for his life and bundle his wings up tight like what the chicken and the duck used to teach him. He was fumbling and tumbling down towards the ground and the pond where he was so used to being in. While being a chicken and a duck didn’t truly feel right for him, it still felt familiar to him. And familiar is safe! Unlike this uncontrollable and unpredictable wind!

~Flip flop plop blob flip flop plop blob~

Just before he hit the ground, he saw it. For the first time in his life, he saw another bird. All this time he was searching on the ground, but the answer is up above him, in the wind. The other bird had both its wings spread wide open and was dancing gracefully across the sky above.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and surrendered all his fear. He spread both his wings wide open and the wind took him higher and higher once more. This time, he felt the wind on his whole body, he even felt it within him.

Just like the first time. 

But without any fear this time.  

The End

Perception

Perceptions are how we see and understand things. Our belief system.

While perceptions are inherently neither 'good' nor 'bad', having them helps me make sense of the world, make decisions and provide a sense of security (using the past to make prediction of the future so I know what's coming)

Some innate beliefs:
- Fairness and meritocracy. Justice will prevail.
- Integrity. Hardwork and honesty will be paid off.
- Self love and respect are our birth right
- Growth in all things tangible and intangible to mark our progress as we age.
- To be of service to someone or something as one's life purpose.

Yet, with some of the above missing, we may find ourselve living an unhappy, unsatisfactory or even a life full of suffering.

Suffering can be in various forms: mentally, physically and emotionally.
While I consider myself very blessed to have a healthy body (in terms of never having to be hospitalize before) I do suffer here and there:
- illness due to overwork
- self mutilation (not serious to the point where people will question / doubt that it's an 'accident')
-  constantly feel like I'm a charlatan/scam
- never truly feel comfortable in my own skin
- never think that I deserve any better

Being fully aware that there are people out there with more serious problems like suicidal thoughts, depression, anorexia, disability, social unrest or extreme poverty, I never feel like my suffering is of any importance. 

"It could be worst." 

"What don't kills me makes me stronger." 

"Tomorrow will be better."

"吃的苦中苦, 方为人上人"[1] 

and many other positive (a.k.a self deciving) thoughts comforted me as I suffer.

All in all, I never truly felt Iike I'm good enough. And with that, comes all the self limitation and self sabotage:
- Falling for the wrong type of people over and over again. (The tougher it is, the deeper the love)
- Short changing myself. (Low pay, free service, dont claim respect)
- Let myself be treated like a rug. (Getting fuck over and think it's normal)
- Bend, twist and contort myself to help anyone who came to me for help. (Helping others while it destroy me)
- Harming my body indirectly (smoking, drugs, starving, binging, eating junk food as meals, working 80hrs/week)

So, what exactly went wrong with me?
Where did my innate self-worth vanish off to?
What am I trying to prove?

Well the last question is easy. I'm trying to prove that I worth something. I'm worth a space on earth, worth the air I breathe, worth to be love. No one ever said to me that I'm worthless, that I'm wasting oxygen or I don't deserve to be love. No one but me. I think Im worthless. I think I must work doubly hard else I'm wasting oxygen. I think I don't deserve love.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

Of course in that moment, I was pretty much blinded by my perceptions. Honestly, how can I admit to myself that I'm self sabotaging, all fault is no one but my own and that I'm choosing to suffer, even to the point of relishing in suffering? It takes courage, awareness and consciousness to break free from the cycle and see things for what it is.

And so...
- Falling for the wrong type of people = the more suffering and tragic, the truer and purer the love is (think Romeo & Juliet).
- Short changing myself = it's not about the money money money, we don't need your money money money~
- Letting myself be treated like a rug = I genuinely believe that no one is out to harm me on purpose. Everyone have their reasons, even fucked up one. Anger / hate is poison and pointless.
- Taking on everyone's problem and neglecting myself = It's my honour to serve, help and solve your problem. Let me be your savior. The shittier the problem, the bigger the sacrifice, the higher the satisfaction.
- Harming myself indirectly can come in various forms. Eating junk and owning stuff that makes me feel like shit = Thrifty. Working day job + night job (8am till 3am) = Hardworking. Smoking/taking drugs = Sociable.

Passion, High Virtue, Adapt,
are nothing but disguises of
"Love me", "Need me", "Want me".

There are days where I hit rock bottom. When my health when south, when I feel that no one truly can sympathize with my plight (nor that I deserve any), that all my problems are self created and thus don't deserve consolation or understanding. My inside felt dead and I comtemplate to make my outside dead too. As within, so without. But thank god I never have any courage to do anything drastic. Haha.

Suffering. Suffering. Suffering.

How I see and understand why others will need me love me want me, is afterall just that, a projection of my own perception.

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[1] 吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。No cross, no crown. To be the best man, one must suffer the bitterest of the bitters.