While perceptions are inherently neither 'good' nor 'bad', having them helps me make sense of the world, make decisions and provide a sense of security (using the past to make prediction of the future so I know what's coming)
Some innate beliefs:
- Fairness and meritocracy. Justice will prevail.
- Integrity. Hardwork and honesty will be paid off.
- Self love and respect are our birth right
- Growth in all things tangible and intangible to mark our progress as we age.
- To be of service to someone or something as one's life purpose.
Yet, with some of the above missing, we may find ourselve living an unhappy, unsatisfactory or even a life full of suffering.
Suffering can be in various forms: mentally, physically and emotionally.
While I consider myself very blessed to have a healthy body (in terms of never having to be hospitalize before) I do suffer here and there:
- illness due to overwork
- self mutilation (not serious to the point where people will question / doubt that it's an 'accident')
- constantly feel like I'm a charlatan/scam
- never truly feel comfortable in my own skin
- never think that I deserve any better
Being fully aware that there are people out there with more serious problems like suicidal thoughts, depression, anorexia, disability, social unrest or extreme poverty, I never feel like my suffering is of any importance.
"It could be worst."
"What don't kills me makes me stronger."
"Tomorrow will be better."
"吃的苦中苦, 方为人上人"[1]
and many other positive (a.k.a self deciving) thoughts comforted me as I suffer.
All in all, I never truly felt Iike I'm good enough. And with that, comes all the self limitation and self sabotage:
- Falling for the wrong type of people over and over again. (The tougher it is, the deeper the love)
- Short changing myself. (Low pay, free service, dont claim respect)
- Let myself be treated like a rug. (Getting fuck over and think it's normal)
- Bend, twist and contort myself to help anyone who came to me for help. (Helping others while it destroy me)
- Harming my body indirectly (smoking, drugs, starving, binging, eating junk food as meals, working 80hrs/week)
So, what exactly went wrong with me?
Where did my innate self-worth vanish off to?
What am I trying to prove?
Well the last question is easy. I'm trying to prove that I worth something. I'm worth a space on earth, worth the air I breathe, worth to be love. No one ever said to me that I'm worthless, that I'm wasting oxygen or I don't deserve to be love. No one but me. I think Im worthless. I think I must work doubly hard else I'm wasting oxygen. I think I don't deserve love.
All in all, I never truly felt Iike I'm good enough. And with that, comes all the self limitation and self sabotage:
- Falling for the wrong type of people over and over again. (The tougher it is, the deeper the love)
- Short changing myself. (Low pay, free service, dont claim respect)
- Let myself be treated like a rug. (Getting fuck over and think it's normal)
- Bend, twist and contort myself to help anyone who came to me for help. (Helping others while it destroy me)
- Harming my body indirectly (smoking, drugs, starving, binging, eating junk food as meals, working 80hrs/week)
So, what exactly went wrong with me?
Where did my innate self-worth vanish off to?
What am I trying to prove?
Well the last question is easy. I'm trying to prove that I worth something. I'm worth a space on earth, worth the air I breathe, worth to be love. No one ever said to me that I'm worthless, that I'm wasting oxygen or I don't deserve to be love. No one but me. I think Im worthless. I think I must work doubly hard else I'm wasting oxygen. I think I don't deserve love.
Perception. Perception. Perception.
Of course in that moment, I was pretty much blinded by my perceptions. Honestly, how can I admit to myself that I'm self sabotaging, all fault is no one but my own and that I'm choosing to suffer, even to the point of relishing in suffering? It takes courage, awareness and consciousness to break free from the cycle and see things for what it is.
And so...
- Falling for the wrong type of people = the more suffering and tragic, the truer and purer the love is (think Romeo & Juliet).
- Short changing myself = it's not about the money money money, we don't need your money money money~
- Letting myself be treated like a rug = I genuinely believe that no one is out to harm me on purpose. Everyone have their reasons, even fucked up one. Anger / hate is poison and pointless.
- Taking on everyone's problem and neglecting myself = It's my honour to serve, help and solve your problem. Let me be your savior. The shittier the problem, the bigger the sacrifice, the higher the satisfaction.
- Harming myself indirectly can come in various forms. Eating junk and owning stuff that makes me feel like shit = Thrifty. Working day job + night job (8am till 3am) = Hardworking. Smoking/taking drugs = Sociable.
Passion, High Virtue, Adapt,
are nothing but disguises of
"Love me", "Need me", "Want me".
There are days where I hit rock bottom. When my health when south, when I feel that no one truly can sympathize with my plight (nor that I deserve any), that all my problems are self created and thus don't deserve consolation or understanding. My inside felt dead and I comtemplate to make my outside dead too. As within, so without. But thank god I never have any courage to do anything drastic. Haha.
Suffering. Suffering. Suffering.
How I see and understand why others will need me love me want me, is afterall just that, a projection of my own perception.
-------------
[1] 吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。No cross, no crown. To be the best man, one must suffer the bitterest of the bitters.
Of course in that moment, I was pretty much blinded by my perceptions. Honestly, how can I admit to myself that I'm self sabotaging, all fault is no one but my own and that I'm choosing to suffer, even to the point of relishing in suffering? It takes courage, awareness and consciousness to break free from the cycle and see things for what it is.
And so...
- Falling for the wrong type of people = the more suffering and tragic, the truer and purer the love is (think Romeo & Juliet).
- Short changing myself = it's not about the money money money, we don't need your money money money~
- Letting myself be treated like a rug = I genuinely believe that no one is out to harm me on purpose. Everyone have their reasons, even fucked up one. Anger / hate is poison and pointless.
- Taking on everyone's problem and neglecting myself = It's my honour to serve, help and solve your problem. Let me be your savior. The shittier the problem, the bigger the sacrifice, the higher the satisfaction.
- Harming myself indirectly can come in various forms. Eating junk and owning stuff that makes me feel like shit = Thrifty. Working day job + night job (8am till 3am) = Hardworking. Smoking/taking drugs = Sociable.
Passion, High Virtue, Adapt,
are nothing but disguises of
"Love me", "Need me", "Want me".
There are days where I hit rock bottom. When my health when south, when I feel that no one truly can sympathize with my plight (nor that I deserve any), that all my problems are self created and thus don't deserve consolation or understanding. My inside felt dead and I comtemplate to make my outside dead too. As within, so without. But thank god I never have any courage to do anything drastic. Haha.
Suffering. Suffering. Suffering.
How I see and understand why others will need me love me want me, is afterall just that, a projection of my own perception.
-------------
[1] 吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。No cross, no crown. To be the best man, one must suffer the bitterest of the bitters.
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