An Intervention

Right. Let's start.

No more escaping. Smoking. Trying to find other things to do. Let's face it.

Yup. What's the smoking about? First 3 puff then 5puffs.

Am I really falling into my own pit again? Let's face the truth. Let's go.

The past week felt like drudgery. Everything is drudgery. Work, relationships, everything. Sleeping later and later, using caffeine to pull me through the day. Struggling hours on end whether to skip work or suffer through another day. I sensed that it’s spiraling down, down into a pit of familiar discomfort : of self-sabotaging and U-turns when things are going great.

Work. I have felt more and more disjointed towards my work the more I dive into my creative self. I started to spent more time on my personal projects, doing things that spark joy for my soul. All was great. 

Relationship. I understand that my happiness is my own responsibility and the objective of being with someone is not to expect them to change or even understand me on a spiritual level. It is truly about the support when you are weak, feeling safe under a sense of dependability and stability that they provide.

Above all, I have fully internalize As Within, So Without. My reality is nothing but a projection of my inner self. No one can make me happy if I ain't genuinely feeling joy and balance within.

Thus, here I am, trying to untangle what had happen. What changed from a centered, balance core to one that everything felt like a drag. Basically: Why am I unhappy?

To complain and start listing down how the world should be, how the person around should be is futile. It can go on and on and on without going anywhere. Let's try something more constructive. An honest conversation with my inner self.

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Dear Soul, why are you sad?

Have I not been showing up to the morning pages daily? Have I not bring you out for a date? Have I not try to listen and say No when you say no? Have I not ask what is it that makes you feel Hell Yeah?

Yes.

So what is the problem?

I haven't felt Hell Yeah! in a long time.

Is there something in particular that you would like to point out?

Yes. Last week blog post. We were already drafting something half way. But as you ran out of time, you swept it under the carpet and decided to go for something half-bake: copying and pasting a parable without a trace of my input left. What's the point of asking me talk when you have no intention of hearing me.

I'm sorry. Truly. I did tried to make it up to you by bringing you out to explore your creativity and work on your closet project.

Oh yeah? MY closet project. Right. You are the one who is sick of your closet. Nice job saying that it's for me. You do know it ain't a proper date if there is an objective right? The whole point of an artist date is doing things for the sake of doing things. Not because you want to achieve certain objective like revamping your closet.

So you felt silence and blocked since last Saturday, is that correct?

Yes. Maybe even before that. When was the last time we did a crazy fun date like rock climbing, hike at Mt. Faber, cycling in the dark and rain, swings and playground like no one cared. Oh, and the spa. It was supposed to be spiritual. You almost ruin the spa experience with your photo taking, posting on IG and trying to practice singing while in the onsen. Like seriously. Stop the multitasking. It's killing the joy with all the chase after meaning, task and achievement. 

I'm sorry. I have been trying you know. Bounce is out for a few more weeks and I don't know what else is Hell Yeah! enough for you.

Well, it really ain't that hard you know. Making bead jewelry, changing the mood board, cycling / swimming, stop being a block at work, sing your heart out, dance like no one care. Most importantly, stop blocking/ resisting/ take over all these things that I want to do. So what if I haven't learn any new songs? I can still belt my heart out with an oldie. So what if making the earring is gonna take up lots of time and that I wont wear it? So what if swimming is gonna be in a public area and you have to leave within an hour time due to Covid measures? So what if night cycling requires me to wake up at 4am? Just do it! it's not suppose to make any sense. Making sense out of everything, trying to fit into a box for everything is killing the joy out of everything. And the most most most tiring thing is, this is not the first time I'm telling you my list. I have said it more than once in the morning pages, you had it jotted down in your notebook but it doesn't get done! It just get swept under the carpet. Those times that you did pull it out was more of a half bake effort because you want to checked it off the list and make your own self feel good. It was rarely 100% for the sake of doing it by itself. To put in real effort is to truly set aside time for it and get out of the way. Just like the oil painting. Remember how you were doubting yourself every 30sec of the way? Get out of the way. There is no mistake, no right or wrong. If you truly want to attain a deep sense on bliss, joy and peace, please, stop trying to control everything and just get out of the way. You don't have to 'try' to do it. It's not for you but for me. Me being the source, the universe, the truth. Let me flow. 
This is for the both of us. When I flow, you flow. As Within, So Without. Trust the universe and you will be rewarded, with peace, bliss and joy.

Hell Yeah!