Today was a difficult day

 

It's Ok to be Lost Sometimes

After days of torturing heat and scorching sun,

Blazing through the week like silent frustration

That voice, that noise, getting louder and louder, begging for release

As it can't hold back any longer, 

Out it pours, uncontrollably 

There was no thunder, no strong winds

Just a steady pace of incessant rain

Couldn't figure out what went wrong, proceed with what felt right

Get. In. The. Rain.

Empty park, streets light lined up, puddles of silver on the pavement, not a soul in sight.

the trees tried futilely to shed the rain while the soul sought to get soaked

no children at the playground. Nothing but the pitter-pattering sound of the rain

Lying down in the middle of a playground, hidden from prying eyes. 

the sky is laid bare and grey ahead, crying from its soul straight into my eyes

Silence.

Stillness.

Rain falls over every inch of my body, face, pooled into a puddle on my palms.

Clothes got soaked and finally, finally,

it penetrates through my soul, like a cleansing ritual

Cathartic. 

Droplets rolled off my cold skin, my face, crawled through my scalp, and dampens my hair

Whence hath thy warmth left me?

Just a single tear, streaking across the cold skin, will do

Tried but nothing came

no melody, no memories, no reasons 

was able to move deep enough, to create some warmth on this chilly night

no warmth for the lost soul tonight

But I know

It's ok, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok

It's alright to be lost sometimes

Fear is Normal

Fear is normal.

It is through fear that we know that we love and value things.

Safety, future, loved one, precious things, life.

If we don't love nor value any thing, there will be no fear.

It meant something to us, thus the fear...

of losing, of rejection, of failure.

An innate trait endowed to us by our ancestors, encoded into our DNA, to keep us save from harm, to continue the species. Fear prevent us from engaging in dangerous and harmful situation, kicked in fight/flight reposnses to focus on the threat and manuveur ourself away from it.

But that was eons ago when humans are not the top of the food chain, and life and death decisions are made on a daily basis. and fear dont stay long enough to become stress that plague us (we either die or we arrived at safety)

Although there are still situations in modern life that puts us in real danger, majority of daily stresses are not life threatening. Hassles, work burnout, loss of love one, quarrels, rejections etc. (Things that dont kill us, but dont disappear easily too)

We don't die from all these, but I guess, something inside us did died a little, and thus the fight and flight response still kicks in.

Thus, stress and fear feed each other in an endless cycle, we need to let go of that fear, leading us away from the truth, that its precisely we love and value that we fear.

Can we love without fear? We have to.

When we fear, we can't love. It runs on the same pathway and in opposite direction.

To love is to let go fear.

Knowing that fear is normal, and can be overcome, we will be free to love freely and unconditionally.

Back from Hiatus

 Engulfed myself in studies to prepare for my exam. Having a good feeling about it. 

Now, life is back to normal. But what is normal? I feel I've changed. Not that studying changed me but more of a general change, in my body, in perspective about life, in my surrounding.

Taking the time to slow down and observe all these before a new term starts and I get lost in studies again.

To be frank, I love learning about psychology. Where will it lead me? I don't know. There are so many options and I am just take my first few baby steps.

Just enjoying every single moment as much as I can.

Finding back my pace again.

One moment

One breath

One heartbeat

at a time

World Mental Health Day

Do you know who you are? What makes you, You? 

We all like to think that we are our own free person who makes decisions and have unique experiences based on what happen to us in the past.

Yet, psychology has time and time again show us the power of social and cultural context, how different situations causes us to conform, obey and appear apathy; not to mention biology influences where  chemicals in our brains or genetics makes decision for us.

So who really are we? Who we want who we were and who we wanna be.We are a culmination of all these things and more!  

While its true that certain things are hard wired in our DNA ( part of our survival instinct), and yet other things are learnt script that help us function more efficiently, it doesn't mean we are helpless against them. Epigentics, neuro plasticity, medicine, therapy and more can help us to overcome or reduce any disorder we may have that prevent us from living a full life. 

It can be something small such as fear of public speaking or it can be a full fledge agorophobia that restrict you from stepping out from your front door. 

What I want to say is: It's Okay.

Its not you. Its a culmination of a lot of things that made it this way. So dont for a second be hard on yourself, be stuck in rumination and feel alone and helpless. 

You are not alone. 

There are tons and tons of people out there facing the same thing as you. Even if you can't find them, there will always be emphatic listening ears ( such as your love ones) and professionals who will be able to lighten whatever load you have been carrying.

Stop hugging them so tight trying to hide them away. Open your arms and let them go. Illness may continue to linger on you, but suffering will be lesser without the fear and anxiety. Who knows, one day, they make decide to leave you too.

Reach out. Dont silence your soul. There is always a number to call no matter where you are. Its just a phone call away. 

P.s. if someone decline you of the help you seek, keep trying. Dont give up and deny yourself to wellness. You deserve happiness ♡

Non-Striving

Ever since I went back to school, it's been a journey of being chase by deadlines, using time for love ones, work and now , even for self. I always set aside time for self as I know it cant be neglected if I want to stay true to my soul. Without that, everything else that comes out will not be my best reflection.

Its not difficult too. I do know what makes me feel Hell Yeah! And I do know it should take aro 2-3 hrs max. But I push it priority down below. Which i really shouldnt have. 

Is it all in my head? I wouldnt be able to make a correct judgement if i want to since every word that is coming out now is from my brain. 

But I do feel it. My soul if I may say. Its not flowing. There is a block.

I do get flow now and then, and its usually when Im not thinking about certain things. Just in the zone, the act of doing something without an expected outcome or even a purpose.

One great example was when I was trying so hard to rush out an essay. I set aside time for it, expected 80-100 words per hour (which is really not much) and nothing good came out.

Its like (for a lack of vocab) constipation, it came out in bits and pieces and it was a torture. Decided to call it a night, went to bed and watcj youtube videos (on the essay topic) feeling dread and hopelessness as I fell asleep. Next morning, I did my standard 3 pages of journal before anything. 

Oh wow. You wouldnt believe it. The 3 pages basically is the structure of my essay. While it was ragged and not supported with references, it flow. The whole essay flowed. All I had to do was write ut out properly and cite it properly. 

The point here is : it flow when I dont push.

I experience once again the art of non-striving. 

Letting go when your brain tells you to hold tighter is counter intuitive. But, when you let go, you open yourself up to receive more, to accept, to flow with the tide.

Unclench your fist, 

Open your palm.

Clear the mist,

Enter calm.

Disappointment

Everyone has let people down in some way others in the past.

People have let us down too, be it consciously or subconsciously.

Does it matter what happens? I reckon not. We move past disappointment as fast as time washes the past away.

But there is a kind of disappointment that doesn't go away as quickly: Disappointment in yourself.

The kind of disappointment where no one said it / hint it / even intended it, but the voice inside your head just doesn't want to let it go.

"I could have done better..."

"I should have held it on..."

"I oughta be the better person..."

Before you know it, it had already spiraled down into serious self-doubt.

"I will never be good enough"

"Who am I kidding? I'm useless"

"They deserve someone better"

When the negativity gets so overwhelming, what happens next?

Too tired of feeling so useless and sad, we escape, hide, run away. 

We become resentful, vindictive, or apathetic.

Disappointment in others as with self is the same, an emotion. Yet, when it's on us, it's so much harsher because we paint our reality.

While emotion is a perception, one can't simply change it just by wearing a pair of rose-tinted glasses.

However, there are still few things we can do:

1) Awareness

Be aware of the emotion that you feeling (disappointment/sadness/anger) against yourself is constructive or destructive. 

Some disappointment can make us reflect and strive to achieve better. 

Some disappointment just revels at self-abuse.

Avoid the second type by practicing self-care. Don't let it fester and pull you down the dark abyss.

Cry, scream, talk to someone, write it down. Notice the language as you go along.

2) Accept your emotion

Accept the emotion. Let it come instead of trying to suppress it with logic. An overstretch rubberband will snap one day too. Let it come and just accept the whole of it, the bad and the ugly, with no judgment. Accept that whatever has happened had already happened. 

The past doesn't define you. Your fear of the future doesn't define you unless you realize it (self-fulfilling prophecy). 

You get to define who you want to be, starting from this moment, right here right now.

Who do you want to be?

Start with a thought, an awareness, a breath.

Breath in and take them in each moment by moment in your stride.

With acceptance, love, and grace.

Trauma

 "Trauma is not what happens to you. It is what happens inside of you." 

                                                                                                - Gabor Mate

What hurts is not the pain when someone hits you. How you perceive that action is what truly hurts you.

It can also be what didn't happen to you but should happen. When basic physical/psychological needs are not met. 

Trauma is what happens internally, not externally. 

It's not about the broken bones or the scrapped knees. It's about finding the ability to hope, to trust, to believe in something again, to heal our souls which we think it incomplete.

By knowing its nature, we can seek healing from within instead of trying to fix the external.

We are not what happens to us too. We are who we think we are. 

We are the true creator that defines our own identity.

While we can't undo what has happened in the past, we can change our paradigm and shift our perspective. We can choose not to let what happened to us in the past define our future, define our identity.

Just like the saying: Hurt people hurt people.

It's never personal. Even when someone (or your brain/ego) says it is, you can choose not to accept it.

The same goes for trauma. 

To all the times that you felt like you were all afraid and alone, 

and you can't take the fear and darkness anymore.

You desperately need a change, an escape, or a stop to it in the reality.

Remember that all that has happened is not who we are.

How we define and perceive is more important than what happens to us.

And that is something we can change.

Meaning(less)

What is discipline? 

In a nutshell, showing up consistently especially when the gratification is in the future and the work is perceived to be drudgery.

Simple is hard.

Simple things like sleeping and waking up early, eat healthily, exercise regularly, and giving your full attention in whatever you do.

I have a routine I set for myself.  It takes around 12hrs/week and that takes discipline. My routine of reflective journaling first thing in the morning and yoga requires me to wake up at 6am+ daily. Unknowingly, I have been doing that for half a year, without a lapse. (Maybe I did skip yoga once or twice when I was sick but not journaling). Also my Hell Yeah! self date and creating this blog and IG on a weekly basis. There are many times I want to give up my routine. Especially when I try to find meaning and found none.

But, trying to give everything meaning misses the whole point. The moment I (my ego) gave something a meaning, it takes the joy out of things. Doing all the journaling, yoga, self date and blogging (self-reflection) provide me the space to stand outside of myself and view things as it is. Without self-bias and filters. 

It's very oxymoronic to the point that I find it impossible to explain.

The moment I do manage to explain it will take the truth out of it.

Just like the act of trying to score well in school/life takes the joy out of learning/living.

Not to mention, when my ego jumps in and tries to form an identity around whatever has happened it just destroy the truth. (As mention before, the Truth is Nothing.)

I'm not discipline or smart or good or nice or bubbly or successful or filial or whatever.

I am just as I am. There is nothing to uphold, to maintain, to sustain, to improve.

There is nothing more and nothing less. Things are just as it is.

The act of defining, to give everything meaning is self-destroying.

When you empty yourself of all meaning, life will be as it should be.

Rejection

Have you ever felt physical pain from emotional triggers? 

I felt it, so many times. 

When an ex pushed me away when I was still head over heels for him, I doubled over like someone punched the wind out of me.

When I quarreled with a loved one, I felt that sense of pressure on my chest that won't go away no matter how many deep breaths I took.

When my mom died, my heart was literally aching for weeks.

Experiences get transferred from one form to another: perception > sensation

Just like how people use metaphors to explain cross over sensation

passion burns, floating on cloud nine, blue with sorrow...

What about a sense of peace.

Is this a sensory feeling of....touch? a feeling of your inner body? 

I can't put it in words but I sure can 'sense' it.

So back to rejection. How does someone's "No", be converted as hurt?

Turns out that this feeling of pain is as real as it is metaphorical.

Evidence has shown that the neural pathway for pain and social rejection is the same.

Thus, even though your body didn't experience any physical harm, the brain perceives it as so.

No wonder people will do all sorts of things just to avoid being rejected.

Since the neural pathway is the same, the tolerance for one equates to the tolerance of the other.

(I'm guessing if you can withstand an operation without anesthesia, I'm sure you can survive through any humiliation possible too.)

I feel that my tolerance of pain is much higher than others (based on my own self-assessment with basically my own self), still I 'feel' it. Rejection = pain.

Note: I will use the word pain synonymously as rejection from here onwards.

As any normal (non-masochist) person, I will avoid pain, no matter how small.

With every situation, I will assess if the foreseeable pain is something I can withstand.

Yes, I will take it, brush it off as brainfart, a joke, a mozzie bite.

If no, I will try to hide it by acting differently hoping for acceptance, avoid it as a whole, exit.

Sometimes, acting helps. Be amiable, agreeable, showing extra hospitality and understanding.

Then it became something of a lie that you need to uphold.

Bending over double, allowing yourself to be stepped over until...

it hits a tipping point, the straw that breaks the camels' back. *Boom!* 

That's when your suffering is greater than that perceived fear of rejection. When your suffering (also pain) is greater than that pain caused by being rejected.

Understanding doesn't solve it but allows us to see things from a third-party point of view. Dissect, examine, understand. With the hope that understanding is the first step to mastery, may the understand of self leads to mastery of self.

One tip though: Look at all the successful people who got rejected/ failed tons of times: J. K. Rowling, Walt Disney, Jack Ma, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs.

Being rejected for who you are is definitely better than being accepted as someone you're not. 

When the curtain falls, it's who we see in the mirror that matters the most. 

When the world is flying by...

 It's been more than a year since the pandemic has grounded us. Things moved so slowly initially. Unable to travel/go out, stuck at home. There are days where I don't know which day it was. Everything felt like a drag. 

Things are better now. Adapting to a new norm. Time seems to quicken up its pace once more.

*Blink* one hour has gone *blink* one day has gone *blink* one week has gone *blink* one month has gone.

Life is passing by so so quickly. Why?

Is it how the internet connects us to information so fast that our brain is flooded without a chance for a breather? Is time really moving faster? Is it because we fill our minds with so many things at the same time? Did we truly achieve more by moving so fast?

I went back to school. Studying a topic that I keep finding myself going back to, Psychology. Now I find myself spending every available moment studying. It's only been 1.5months and I am trying really hard to balance family, love, self, work, school, and friends. Gone are the weekends where I can set aside hours to feed my soul. 

Glad that I'm managing the stress quite well. Being conscious the moment I'm stressing over if my best is not gonna make it,  or when I try to compare myself with others, FOMO...etc etc. Nip it at the bud before it can manifest. I want to love everything. Not let stress or pressure kills it. Big picture.

Not gonna give meaning to past struggles, nor gonna sugarcoat the future for motivation. 

The art of non-striving. How does one aim for excellence without striving? 

One thing at a time. Just show up and do your best.

Be it good, be it bad, come what may.

Acceptance of reality, of self, of now,

is bigger than anything in this world.