Stillness

I'm always trying to do something to improve my life. Diving into stuff to change or improve something:

fitness challenge one after another, doing a mood board, revamping my room, decorating, shifting things here and there, cleaning out my closet, gratitude journal, planning and scheduling, doing self-help project one after another (even overlapping them). 

Yet the times that I truly felt moments of true joy and peace was not in the action of doing all these stuffs above or even in the achievement of reaching the goal. It was found in moments of inner stillness like when:

- warm sunlight kissing my skin in the morning

- faint flora scent wafting from my dried-up flowers

- soft breeze brushing my face through the window

- the sound of crickets and birds 

- stroking my toothbrush against my teeth

- observing the various shade of brown in my eyes

- the space created through expansion of my lungs and chest

- the smell and humidity as rain starts to fall

- leaves, carried by the wind, tumbling across the ground 

- a single breath

The gateway to inner stillness seems quite random but it all boils down to consciousness/ awareness. It can be found within regardless the external is peaceful or chaotic. Under a raging thunderstorm, a bird can be found calmly nesting its egg under the protection of the tree. To state an extreme example, just Google search: Burning Monk. How can one person sit in peace and tranquillity through self-immolation? Utter surrender and inner peace I suppose.

And inner stillness doesn’t mean being motionless. One can be motionless for three hours and have a million thoughts, troubling the mind, stirring the restless soul. I have attended silent retreat and seen people who fidget every other second and left the next day. I myself have sat motionlessly for 4hours straight with all sorts of random thoughts racing through every second of it. Neither peace nor inner stillness was found. 

Having space to move, to think, to breath, to linger do make the path towards inner stillness clearer. Thus, through my decluttering project (Marie Kondo and Project 333), I’ve gain clarity at certain point. The stillness created through all the extra space allowed me to experience life in full HD: rich and colourful. 

However, as with life, all things are impermanence. My stillness was never a permanent achievement. Stuff starts to pile up, list of To-Dos gets longer, plans and appointments goes further into my calendar. My soul will lay dormant and let me brain run on autopilot mode for days on end with no awareness. Time and time again I still got carried away with clearing stuff, doing too much and forgot that it’s not less stuff or more achievements I seek, but more inner space and stillness. Restlessness and fatigue that sleep can’t cure plagued me.  Some tell-tale signs are:

- things ‘seemed’ to be messy.

- task to do felt like pointless drudgery.

- thoughts are focus on planning what to do next, spotted by past memories here and there. But never in the Now.

- tossing around on bed unable to sleep for more than 30mins. 

- trying to fill some hollowness through social media / entertainment.

- snapping at my old folk. (guilty) 

These are signs that I need an intervention. To sit down, slow down, linger and find space within. It’s always through such reflections that I can start to see clearer again: 

- How in a rush to check things off/do something, I forsake quality or meaning

- Why I did certain things when my heart says no

- What item/behaviour/situation are Just Because 

I don’t think constant awareness is something I can master. It’s an ongoing process, of up and down, of reacting and reflection, of pausing then responding. It’s through such actions that I find stillness. The act of letting things be, let it flow through and let peace come. 

When I first started on my journey, it was through meditation. Breathing, body scan, listen to tracks, listening to nature, listening to nothing. But as I (or rather my brain) got used to it, it will strengthen its resistance (kind of like how cockroaches get immune to insecticide after few spray) and wandering thoughts became more persistent. Thus, I need to find new ways to reach stillness. Awareness is the death of ego /mind. To really silent the brain, I have to make my brain aware of stillness first. Using form to enter the formless. Simply put, using thoughts / feeling to enter stillness.

What I find useful now (and practising) are 3 techniques I learnt from Eckhart Tolle's book: The Power of Now:

1) Pause and feel your inner body 

It can be trying to feel my soul / feel what’s under my skin / feel the blood flowing through my veins / feel my internal organs / heart beat / something. The abstract of it all makes me focus. It is precisely aren’t something conceptual/ tangible that I can grasp that makes it so effective. (my brain REALLY tend to take things for granted once I attained it)

2) Asking my wandering brain: "I wonder what my next thought will be"

I can’t have 2 concurring thoughts at the same time. Conscious concurring thoughts. (not the unconscious brain stuck in the last song syndrome or something). Thus, when I force my brain to think of what my next thought will be, it puts it into a conundrum. Most of the time, nothing turns up in that state of anticipation and stillness is found.

3)  Always reserve some energy on the awareness/consciousness.

This is useful but the hardest as I need to set the intention first. Else I have to wait until I catch myself autopiloting before I can restart it. But by doing so, there is always an inner calm within me. Kind of like how the ocean may be churning on the surface but the depth is in a calm flow state.

And with this stillness and peace, all creations felt connected as one. An undeniable smile appears across my face and a glow emanates from my heart.

Being Invulnerable

The Bird and the Wind

Once there was a young bird who accidentally fell out of his nest. Feeling lost and unable to fly, he started walking.

Along the way, he met a chicken. The chicken taught him many things: how to peck the ground for worms, how to cross the road and how to crow at the break of dawn each morning. The bird was eager to learn and even more eager to be accepted. He learns as much and as fast as he could. As each day goes by, he can find worms faster, run away from passing cars faster and puff his chest bigger to crow louder. But no matter how hard he tried; he just can’t do it as well as the chicken. Before long, he felt that it was time to move on to better things.

Along he walks, he met a duck. The duck taught him how to keep his wings tight to float on water, paddle around the pond and dive his head into the water to look for weeds and fish eggs. He was struggling initially, trying to stay afloat in the pond, clawing its feet in the water and trying out his new diet. Sometimes the weeds make him unwell, but he doesn’t want to disappoint the duck’s effort, and so he assures (both him and the duck) that everything was fine. He sticks extra feathers on his body to keep him afloat (and warm) in the water, he glued leaves on his feet so he can paddle faster. But the feathers fell and the leaves broke. Not to mention, he really kind of misses his worms. And so, he left the duck and continued his search.

What was he exactly searching for? He doesn’t know. What he does know is that the time spent with the chicken and the duck, while fun, wasn’t the answer. Deep inside, he didn’t ‘feel’ right. Feeling troubled and lost once again, he continued to walk.

A gush of wind blew in his face. His feathers ruffled and his wings spread slightly apart. “What was that?” he thought. It felt so weird. For a brief moment, he thought he had felt something inside. Something that he has no words for. Both the chicken and the duck didn’t prepare him for this. Being cautious and fearful, he straighten up his feathers, tightens up his wings closer to his body and continues his walk. 

Another gush of wind blew! This time longer and stronger. It pry his wings wider apart this time. He felt it again, stronger this time. The wind between his wings and body, and through all his feathers. His fears of the unknown deepen, and he decides to hurdle down harder and resist the wind stronger than ever.

This time the wind blew even harder. It blows and blows as he claws his feet into the ground like the chicken taught him, and buried his head down like the duck taught him. Alas, the wind was too strong for him, and he rolled backwards.

~Flip flop plop blob flip flop plop blob~

He rolls and rolls while the wind blows and blows.

In the midst of chaos and disorientation, he let go of his wings and they spread wide open.

Whoosh! Up he went with the wind!

He took a peek and realised that he was flying. Higher and higher, he starts to look back. He saw the ground where he spent many days crowing and clawing getting further and further away from him. The pond where he spent even more night learning how to swim getting smaller and smaller. Fear crept up on him once more! Panicking, he starts to crow for his life and bundle his wings up tight like what the chicken and the duck used to teach him. He was fumbling and tumbling down towards the ground and the pond where he was so used to being in. While being a chicken and a duck didn’t truly feel right for him, it still felt familiar to him. And familiar is safe! Unlike this uncontrollable and unpredictable wind!

~Flip flop plop blob flip flop plop blob~

Just before he hit the ground, he saw it. For the first time in his life, he saw another bird. All this time he was searching on the ground, but the answer is up above him, in the wind. The other bird had both its wings spread wide open and was dancing gracefully across the sky above.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and surrendered all his fear. He spread both his wings wide open and the wind took him higher and higher once more. This time, he felt the wind on his whole body, he even felt it within him.

Just like the first time. 

But without any fear this time.  

The End

Perception

Perceptions are how we see and understand things. Our belief system.

While perceptions are inherently neither 'good' nor 'bad', having them helps me make sense of the world, make decisions and provide a sense of security (using the past to make prediction of the future so I know what's coming)

Some innate beliefs:
- Fairness and meritocracy. Justice will prevail.
- Integrity. Hardwork and honesty will be paid off.
- Self love and respect are our birth right
- Growth in all things tangible and intangible to mark our progress as we age.
- To be of service to someone or something as one's life purpose.

Yet, with some of the above missing, we may find ourselve living an unhappy, unsatisfactory or even a life full of suffering.

Suffering can be in various forms: mentally, physically and emotionally.
While I consider myself very blessed to have a healthy body (in terms of never having to be hospitalize before) I do suffer here and there:
- illness due to overwork
- self mutilation (not serious to the point where people will question / doubt that it's an 'accident')
-  constantly feel like I'm a charlatan/scam
- never truly feel comfortable in my own skin
- never think that I deserve any better

Being fully aware that there are people out there with more serious problems like suicidal thoughts, depression, anorexia, disability, social unrest or extreme poverty, I never feel like my suffering is of any importance. 

"It could be worst." 

"What don't kills me makes me stronger." 

"Tomorrow will be better."

"吃的苦中苦, 方为人上人"[1] 

and many other positive (a.k.a self deciving) thoughts comforted me as I suffer.

All in all, I never truly felt Iike I'm good enough. And with that, comes all the self limitation and self sabotage:
- Falling for the wrong type of people over and over again. (The tougher it is, the deeper the love)
- Short changing myself. (Low pay, free service, dont claim respect)
- Let myself be treated like a rug. (Getting fuck over and think it's normal)
- Bend, twist and contort myself to help anyone who came to me for help. (Helping others while it destroy me)
- Harming my body indirectly (smoking, drugs, starving, binging, eating junk food as meals, working 80hrs/week)

So, what exactly went wrong with me?
Where did my innate self-worth vanish off to?
What am I trying to prove?

Well the last question is easy. I'm trying to prove that I worth something. I'm worth a space on earth, worth the air I breathe, worth to be love. No one ever said to me that I'm worthless, that I'm wasting oxygen or I don't deserve to be love. No one but me. I think Im worthless. I think I must work doubly hard else I'm wasting oxygen. I think I don't deserve love.

Perception. Perception. Perception.

Of course in that moment, I was pretty much blinded by my perceptions. Honestly, how can I admit to myself that I'm self sabotaging, all fault is no one but my own and that I'm choosing to suffer, even to the point of relishing in suffering? It takes courage, awareness and consciousness to break free from the cycle and see things for what it is.

And so...
- Falling for the wrong type of people = the more suffering and tragic, the truer and purer the love is (think Romeo & Juliet).
- Short changing myself = it's not about the money money money, we don't need your money money money~
- Letting myself be treated like a rug = I genuinely believe that no one is out to harm me on purpose. Everyone have their reasons, even fucked up one. Anger / hate is poison and pointless.
- Taking on everyone's problem and neglecting myself = It's my honour to serve, help and solve your problem. Let me be your savior. The shittier the problem, the bigger the sacrifice, the higher the satisfaction.
- Harming myself indirectly can come in various forms. Eating junk and owning stuff that makes me feel like shit = Thrifty. Working day job + night job (8am till 3am) = Hardworking. Smoking/taking drugs = Sociable.

Passion, High Virtue, Adapt,
are nothing but disguises of
"Love me", "Need me", "Want me".

There are days where I hit rock bottom. When my health when south, when I feel that no one truly can sympathize with my plight (nor that I deserve any), that all my problems are self created and thus don't deserve consolation or understanding. My inside felt dead and I comtemplate to make my outside dead too. As within, so without. But thank god I never have any courage to do anything drastic. Haha.

Suffering. Suffering. Suffering.

How I see and understand why others will need me love me want me, is afterall just that, a projection of my own perception.

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[1] 吃的苦中苦，方为人上人。No cross, no crown. To be the best man, one must suffer the bitterest of the bitters.

My Ball of Perception

Most of my life I have been chasing something. Something fun, something cool, something to keep myself busy in the hope that the insatiable emptiness within will be filled up. Not to mention, avoiding all the layers and layers of self-coping mechanism (baggages) accumulated over the years. 

There is a lot to be unpack here but I will leave the diagram to speak for itself. (Although its not a picture with a thousand words, Im sure there's least a few hundred words. Haha) 

The only thing I would like to point out though is the pitfall. Many times while I was chasing after all the 'gems' I fell into this same hole. Again and again. The only way to go around / step over it was through awareness, conscious suffering.

Thus, I shall end this post with this classic poem:

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk 

- Portia Nelson, 1994

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Just Because

What are Just Because? 

Things that are there just because they are there.

Here are few examples:

- Taking a flyer or product sample just because someone held it infront of you / it's free.

- Looking for things to buy or eat just because you're bored.

- Saying Yes when your heart says No (and vise versa) just because its easier than explaining/addressing it.

I am a master of Just Because. Not just because I came up with 'Just Because' (haha) but truly, I'm so good at it because I see myself as flexible, bendable and adaptable. Honestly, I just want people to accept me, like me and not think Im weird. Social conformity, social acceptance. 

Let's just take a quick look inside my Just Because wardrobe. A collection of clothes I own just because..

- someone say I look good in it

- someone say it fits my style

- someone's hand me downs because they no longer wear / cant fit it but it's expensive/still new/fit me so give me

- someone gift it to me

- someone say they prefer certain outfit on me

- it's still in good quality although I have outgrown it (clothes I had for 10yrs)

- it's cheap / on sales / friend all say it's a great deal

And just because I have them, I will wear them even though it can be hard to match, uncomfortable, not my style, makes me feel conscious or restrict my movement.

Not to mention, I will feel guilty if I don't wear them often enough.

Why am I like this? So passive and irresponsible.  

 To really understand anything of our adult's life dilemma, one just need to dive into one's own childhood. That is truly a topic worth getting a degree in.[1]

Well, as a child, I never have to make any decisions. I have my parents do that for me. My mom decides my wardrobe, prefering to cover me from shoulder to knees and often with my brother's hand me downs. What goes in and when it comes out are not really up to me to be frank. Faded batman shorts, ninja turtle tees, granny panties, bring them on.

The more agreeable I am, the more obedient they say I am, and the more they like me. Can you kind of see where I'm heading?

It's not just my wardrobe. My whole life is a series of one Just Because after another.

The stuff I owned, the choices I made, even the relationships I had.

To just mention some bigger decisions:

- I studied engineering just because I don't know where to go and a lecturer (total stranger) dropped my application in his department to recruit more student.

- I signed a crappy saving plan just because the agent (total stranger) I saw at the roadshow asked me to. 

- I studied a private degree in Business Admin just because my boyfried at that time needs a companion.

- I ended up at parttime jobs just because my friends last minute can't make it and ask me to fill in for them.(Plural as it happened twice, and at each job I stayed faithfully for 2-3years straight)

- I changed my career just because someone reccomended me a new job. (this also happened twice. The first lasted 8years and the second is 4 years and counting. At both times, I was content with my old job and not even thinking of changing)

- I fell in love just because someone said they love me (every single relationship I had. Not proud. There are some I wish I didn't had) 

Wow, suddenly felt that I was damn lucky to be where I am today. Could have turn out way way worst. Haha(nervous laughter).

Anyway, back to my wardrobe. Now that I know I'm making decisions based on a lousy paradigm (agree with people so they will like me) what's next? 

Steven Covey (the author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) taught: to break or form any new habit, you must have 3 things:

- the knowledge

- the desire

- the skill 

Well I have the knowledge now. But do I have the desire to change my paradigm or the skills even to change it? 

We'll see.

[1] The School of Life : The One Subject You Really Need to Study - Your Own Childhood.

Cleaning Out My Closet

"My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to your stomach, doesn't it?" 

- Eminem, Cleanin' Out My Closet, 2002

Don't really know when it exactly began (the mess appear, the decluttering started), but it felt like a homecoming.

 

'Exactly' may be a wrong word. We cant really pinpoint exactly anything when we are not aware. While I do want to feel that I am a logical sentient being that is in control and aware of every single thing that is going on in my brain and with my body, the fact is I don't. Our brain just don't work this way[1]. Not sure if this is assuring or unnerving.

Take for example a creeper crawler landed ever so gently on your back and you don't know it. Does it exist? Yes. But are you aware? No. In your reality it does not exist yet until someone said :" Hey, don't move. There's something on your back" with their eyes wide open, staring and freezing you to a halt in fear. 

So, when does this incident exactly happened? It depends if you are looking from the creepy crawler point of view, your friend point of view or your own point of view. 

And what if no one notices and it simply crawled along as gently as it come? Does it exist?

A philosophical approach will answer both Yes and No.

Yes because it did happen. That's a fact.

No because no one was there to perceive what is a creepy crawler in the first place.

So when did I start to have creepy crawlers living in my closet and when did I start to clean them out? I don't know.

Before I get suck into an endless cycle of conundrum, let's go with what I do know.  In terms of physicality, I started KonMari my stuff around late last year. (Notice I use 'my stuff' instead of 'my room' because my stuff was all over the whole house)

Know about the famous Mari Kondo via Netflix more than 2 years ago. Binge-watched the whole series and started folding my clothes so that it stands on its side. Spark Joy she said. But the spark remains a spark. The joy wasn't permanent. The feeling of something missing, of not enough was still there, permanent.

So why try something that didn't work for me 2 years ago again? Well, the manga version of Mari Kondo book came out. It was an easy 1hour read with a simple story line and cute drawings. As easy and simple a book it was, the wisdom it held was deep. 

Indeed it was life-changing. Maybe the time was right as the saying goes : when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Maybe its serendipity. Maybe I already changing my life due to other catalyst and only aware about it now. Or maybe, there is no maybe. It just happened that I picked this up randomly, read through it in one sitting and realized that it makes sense.  What the Netflix series showed is only the surface: the techniques, the skills, the tools. But what the book (manga) taught was the philosophy behind them: the purpose, the reason, the 'truth' about tidying (and its opposite: clutter). 

And so, my journey of unpacking begins. The steps is easy: 

1) Decide the type of lifestyle I want.

2) Discard things that don't spark joy for me. 

3) Store item that spark joy properly, give them a proper 'home'

Note: Start with easy things like Clothes> Books > Papers and Small items > Hobby items > Sentimental so that my spark joy detector become strong enough to handle emotional stuff.

Simple ya? Ha. Ha. Ha.

I can honestly tell you that in the whole wardrobe that I have accumulated over the past 10years, there is only one single piece of item that truly spark joy for me. ONE. It's not that my standard for spark joy was way too high. On the contrary, my tolerance for 'meh' ,'ok', 'not bad' and 'not me but why not' is just way too high. I call all these the "Just Because" (which warrant a separate post all by itself.) 

Not to mention discarding things was never easy, at least for me. I'm a hoarder who keeps her primary school story books until now (20yrs+) and eat every scrap of food even though I'm so full I want to puke.

"In the end, people are unable to discard things either because they are attached to the past or afraid of the future...And thus, we can't see what we need, what will satisfy us, and what we are really seeking."

While I can't say that this book, being a manga, helped me let go of all these fear and attachment, it did help me identify things for what it is. And with this identification, I can start to sort them out, put them in the right boxes and then start to work on how to make peace with them and let them go.

When truly dive in, I realized that what I was tidying was not so much my stuff but my soul. As within, so without.

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Footnotes

[1] "An idea that has been activated does not merely evoke one other idea. It activates many ideas, which in turn activate others. Furthermore, only a few of the activated ideas will register in consciousness most of the work of  associative thinking is silent, hidden from our conscious selves. The notice that we have limited access to the workings of our minds is difficult to accept because, naturally, it is alien to our experience ,but it is true: you know far less about yourself than you feel you do." - Daniel Kanehman, Thinking Fast and slow, 2011