Disappointment

Everyone has let people down in some way others in the past.

People have let us down too, be it consciously or subconsciously.

Does it matter what happens? I reckon not. We move past disappointment as fast as time washes the past away.

But there is a kind of disappointment that doesn't go away as quickly: Disappointment in yourself.

The kind of disappointment where no one said it / hint it / even intended it, but the voice inside your head just doesn't want to let it go.

"I could have done better..."

"I should have held it on..."

"I oughta be the better person..."

Before you know it, it had already spiraled down into serious self-doubt.

"I will never be good enough"

"Who am I kidding? I'm useless"

"They deserve someone better"

When the negativity gets so overwhelming, what happens next?

Too tired of feeling so useless and sad, we escape, hide, run away. 

We become resentful, vindictive, or apathetic.

Disappointment in others as with self is the same, an emotion. Yet, when it's on us, it's so much harsher because we paint our reality.

While emotion is a perception, one can't simply change it just by wearing a pair of rose-tinted glasses.

However, there are still few things we can do:

1) Awareness

Be aware of the emotion that you feeling (disappointment/sadness/anger) against yourself is constructive or destructive. 

Some disappointment can make us reflect and strive to achieve better. 

Some disappointment just revels at self-abuse.

Avoid the second type by practicing self-care. Don't let it fester and pull you down the dark abyss.

Cry, scream, talk to someone, write it down. Notice the language as you go along.

2) Accept your emotion

Accept the emotion. Let it come instead of trying to suppress it with logic. An overstretch rubberband will snap one day too. Let it come and just accept the whole of it, the bad and the ugly, with no judgment. Accept that whatever has happened had already happened. 

The past doesn't define you. Your fear of the future doesn't define you unless you realize it (self-fulfilling prophecy). 

You get to define who you want to be, starting from this moment, right here right now.

Who do you want to be?

Start with a thought, an awareness, a breath.

Breath in and take them in each moment by moment in your stride.

With acceptance, love, and grace.

Trauma

 "Trauma is not what happens to you. It is what happens inside of you." 

                                                                                                - Gabor Mate

What hurts is not the pain when someone hits you. How you perceive that action is what truly hurts you.

It can also be what didn't happen to you but should happen. When basic physical/psychological needs are not met. 

Trauma is what happens internally, not externally. 

It's not about the broken bones or the scrapped knees. It's about finding the ability to hope, to trust, to believe in something again, to heal our souls which we think it incomplete.

By knowing its nature, we can seek healing from within instead of trying to fix the external.

We are not what happens to us too. We are who we think we are. 

We are the true creator that defines our own identity.

While we can't undo what has happened in the past, we can change our paradigm and shift our perspective. We can choose not to let what happened to us in the past define our future, define our identity.

Just like the saying: Hurt people hurt people.

It's never personal. Even when someone (or your brain/ego) says it is, you can choose not to accept it.

The same goes for trauma. 

To all the times that you felt like you were all afraid and alone, 

and you can't take the fear and darkness anymore.

You desperately need a change, an escape, or a stop to it in the reality.

Remember that all that has happened is not who we are.

How we define and perceive is more important than what happens to us.

And that is something we can change.

Meaning(less)

What is discipline? 

In a nutshell, showing up consistently especially when the gratification is in the future and the work is perceived to be drudgery.

Simple is hard.

Simple things like sleeping and waking up early, eat healthily, exercise regularly, and giving your full attention in whatever you do.

I have a routine I set for myself.  It takes around 12hrs/week and that takes discipline. My routine of reflective journaling first thing in the morning and yoga requires me to wake up at 6am+ daily. Unknowingly, I have been doing that for half a year, without a lapse. (Maybe I did skip yoga once or twice when I was sick but not journaling). Also my Hell Yeah! self date and creating this blog and IG on a weekly basis. There are many times I want to give up my routine. Especially when I try to find meaning and found none.

But, trying to give everything meaning misses the whole point. The moment I (my ego) gave something a meaning, it takes the joy out of things. Doing all the journaling, yoga, self date and blogging (self-reflection) provide me the space to stand outside of myself and view things as it is. Without self-bias and filters. 

It's very oxymoronic to the point that I find it impossible to explain.

The moment I do manage to explain it will take the truth out of it.

Just like the act of trying to score well in school/life takes the joy out of learning/living.

Not to mention, when my ego jumps in and tries to form an identity around whatever has happened it just destroy the truth. (As mention before, the Truth is Nothing.)

I'm not discipline or smart or good or nice or bubbly or successful or filial or whatever.

I am just as I am. There is nothing to uphold, to maintain, to sustain, to improve.

There is nothing more and nothing less. Things are just as it is.

The act of defining, to give everything meaning is self-destroying.

When you empty yourself of all meaning, life will be as it should be.

Rejection

Have you ever felt physical pain from emotional triggers? 

I felt it, so many times. 

When an ex pushed me away when I was still head over heels for him, I doubled over like someone punched the wind out of me.

When I quarreled with a loved one, I felt that sense of pressure on my chest that won't go away no matter how many deep breaths I took.

When my mom died, my heart was literally aching for weeks.

Experiences get transferred from one form to another: perception > sensation

Just like how people use metaphors to explain cross over sensation

passion burns, floating on cloud nine, blue with sorrow...

What about a sense of peace.

Is this a sensory feeling of....touch? a feeling of your inner body? 

I can't put it in words but I sure can 'sense' it.

So back to rejection. How does someone's "No", be converted as hurt?

Turns out that this feeling of pain is as real as it is metaphorical.

Evidence has shown that the neural pathway for pain and social rejection is the same.

Thus, even though your body didn't experience any physical harm, the brain perceives it as so.

No wonder people will do all sorts of things just to avoid being rejected.

Since the neural pathway is the same, the tolerance for one equates to the tolerance of the other.

(I'm guessing if you can withstand an operation without anesthesia, I'm sure you can survive through any humiliation possible too.)

I feel that my tolerance of pain is much higher than others (based on my own self-assessment with basically my own self), still I 'feel' it. Rejection = pain.

Note: I will use the word pain synonymously as rejection from here onwards.

As any normal (non-masochist) person, I will avoid pain, no matter how small.

With every situation, I will assess if the foreseeable pain is something I can withstand.

Yes, I will take it, brush it off as brainfart, a joke, a mozzie bite.

If no, I will try to hide it by acting differently hoping for acceptance, avoid it as a whole, exit.

Sometimes, acting helps. Be amiable, agreeable, showing extra hospitality and understanding.

Then it became something of a lie that you need to uphold.

Bending over double, allowing yourself to be stepped over until...

it hits a tipping point, the straw that breaks the camels' back. *Boom!* 

That's when your suffering is greater than that perceived fear of rejection. When your suffering (also pain) is greater than that pain caused by being rejected.

Understanding doesn't solve it but allows us to see things from a third-party point of view. Dissect, examine, understand. With the hope that understanding is the first step to mastery, may the understand of self leads to mastery of self.

One tip though: Look at all the successful people who got rejected/ failed tons of times: J. K. Rowling, Walt Disney, Jack Ma, Elon Musk, Steve Jobs.

Being rejected for who you are is definitely better than being accepted as someone you're not. 

When the curtain falls, it's who we see in the mirror that matters the most.