Staying True to Nature

Today I let go all my fears, worries and hate. Together with my hopes and dreams, I hand them all over to the Universe. Some may call it God. I prefer to use the word Universe as it doesn't have any connotation to any religion. Lesser forms, lesser perception. I can call it anything since after all its just some alphabets arranged in a manner to form a word. A word is nothing until we, human, gave it meaning.

So is everything else in this world.

Why must we give things meaning? This is a drag, that is so boring, this is so frustrating, that is a total waste of time. Red is passion, blue is sorrow. Dawn is full of opportunities, night if full of terrors. Look at the trees. They don't bother about meaning. They just do what is in their nature: to take in air, water, sunlight and nutrient, and gave out oxygen, grow tall and grow leaves. Some may grow fast, some may grow slow. Some bear fruits some bear nothing but leaves. Some got struck by lightning some got chopped down. They don't get happy, angry, sad, tired. No matter what happen, they stay true to their nature: to take in air, water, sunlight and nutrient, and gave out oxygen, grow tall and grow leaves every day, every minute, every second, every breathe of the way. 

Same with animals. You see squirrel, birds, fish, cats etc. They all know what to do the moment they popped out of their mom's belly (or eggs). What purpose do they serve? No one knows. Do they need a purpose to do what they do? Nope. They just follow their instinct and stay true to their nature. Find food, survive, sleep, repeat. There is no 'meaning' behind every breath and action. There is no seeking of answers, no problems to be solved, no comfort nor hardship. They just live each day, each minute, each second, each breathe as it goes by. 

Humans. Oh we think we so smart, sentient being, walking on moon and all. Yet we are stuck in an endless cycle of satisfaction and expectation, of problems and solution, of seeking meaning and purpose. It's futile to impose meaning, definition, expectation and purpose when there is none. All these only leads to frustration. We will live a life free of suffering when we stop imposing and start living a live true to our nature. And what do living to our nature entails? Living each day, each minute, each second, each breathe as it come and go. 

An Intervention

Right. Let's start.

No more escaping. Smoking. Trying to find other things to do. Let's face it.

Yup. What's the smoking about? First 3 puff then 5puffs.

Am I really falling into my own pit again? Let's face the truth. Let's go.

The past week felt like drudgery. Everything is drudgery. Work, relationships, everything. Sleeping later and later, using caffeine to pull me through the day. Struggling hours on end whether to skip work or suffer through another day. I sensed that it’s spiraling down, down into a pit of familiar discomfort : of self-sabotaging and U-turns when things are going great.

Work. I have felt more and more disjointed towards my work the more I dive into my creative self. I started to spent more time on my personal projects, doing things that spark joy for my soul. All was great. 

Relationship. I understand that my happiness is my own responsibility and the objective of being with someone is not to expect them to change or even understand me on a spiritual level. It is truly about the support when you are weak, feeling safe under a sense of dependability and stability that they provide.

Above all, I have fully internalize As Within, So Without. My reality is nothing but a projection of my inner self. No one can make me happy if I ain't genuinely feeling joy and balance within.

Thus, here I am, trying to untangle what had happen. What changed from a centered, balance core to one that everything felt like a drag. Basically: Why am I unhappy?

To complain and start listing down how the world should be, how the person around should be is futile. It can go on and on and on without going anywhere. Let's try something more constructive. An honest conversation with my inner self.

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Dear Soul, why are you sad?

Have I not been showing up to the morning pages daily? Have I not bring you out for a date? Have I not try to listen and say No when you say no? Have I not ask what is it that makes you feel Hell Yeah?

Yes.

So what is the problem?

I haven't felt Hell Yeah! in a long time.

Is there something in particular that you would like to point out?

Yes. Last week blog post. We were already drafting something half way. But as you ran out of time, you swept it under the carpet and decided to go for something half-bake: copying and pasting a parable without a trace of my input left. What's the point of asking me talk when you have no intention of hearing me.

I'm sorry. Truly. I did tried to make it up to you by bringing you out to explore your creativity and work on your closet project.

Oh yeah? MY closet project. Right. You are the one who is sick of your closet. Nice job saying that it's for me. You do know it ain't a proper date if there is an objective right? The whole point of an artist date is doing things for the sake of doing things. Not because you want to achieve certain objective like revamping your closet.

So you felt silence and blocked since last Saturday, is that correct?

Yes. Maybe even before that. When was the last time we did a crazy fun date like rock climbing, hike at Mt. Faber, cycling in the dark and rain, swings and playground like no one cared. Oh, and the spa. It was supposed to be spiritual. You almost ruin the spa experience with your photo taking, posting on IG and trying to practice singing while in the onsen. Like seriously. Stop the multitasking. It's killing the joy with all the chase after meaning, task and achievement. 

I'm sorry. I have been trying you know. Bounce is out for a few more weeks and I don't know what else is Hell Yeah! enough for you.

Well, it really ain't that hard you know. Making bead jewelry, changing the mood board, cycling / swimming, stop being a block at work, sing your heart out, dance like no one care. Most importantly, stop blocking/ resisting/ take over all these things that I want to do. So what if I haven't learn any new songs? I can still belt my heart out with an oldie. So what if making the earring is gonna take up lots of time and that I wont wear it? So what if swimming is gonna be in a public area and you have to leave within an hour time due to Covid measures? So what if night cycling requires me to wake up at 4am? Just do it! it's not suppose to make any sense. Making sense out of everything, trying to fit into a box for everything is killing the joy out of everything. And the most most most tiring thing is, this is not the first time I'm telling you my list. I have said it more than once in the morning pages, you had it jotted down in your notebook but it doesn't get done! It just get swept under the carpet. Those times that you did pull it out was more of a half bake effort because you want to checked it off the list and make your own self feel good. It was rarely 100% for the sake of doing it by itself. To put in real effort is to truly set aside time for it and get out of the way. Just like the oil painting. Remember how you were doubting yourself every 30sec of the way? Get out of the way. There is no mistake, no right or wrong. If you truly want to attain a deep sense on bliss, joy and peace, please, stop trying to control everything and just get out of the way. You don't have to 'try' to do it. It's not for you but for me. Me being the source, the universe, the truth. Let me flow. 
This is for the both of us. When I flow, you flow. As Within, So Without. Trust the universe and you will be rewarded, with peace, bliss and joy.

Hell Yeah!

 

The Mexican Fisherman - a Parable by Heinrich Böll

An American investment banker was taking a much-needed vacation in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. The boat had several large, fresh fish in it.

The investment banker was impressed by the quality of the fish and asked the Mexican how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The banker then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican fisherman replied he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman replied,

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos: I have a full and busy life, señor.”

The investment banker scoffed:

“I am an Ivy League MBA, and I could help you. You could spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats until eventually, you would have a whole fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to the middleman, you could sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You could control the product, processing and distribution.”

Then he added: “Of course, you would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City where you would run your growing enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But señor, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied: “15–20 years.”

“But what then?” asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said,

“That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You could make millions.”

“Millions, señor? Then what?”

To which the investment banker replied:

“Then you would retire. You could move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Fear

To fear is to be human. It’s natural to feel fear and all we have to do it overcome it. But subconscious / subtle fear can go unnoticed, and unnoticed fear won’t allow us to overcome it. Mindfulness still plays a big role in the path to peace. Only suffering in consciousness can we end suffering. 

What fears do I have? Let’s just take today for example. It has barely been 2 hrs since I woke up. I had done my morning routine, not spoken to anyone but my brain, and am typing this on the transport to work. What fears could I have?

Here are those I manage to catch:

- fear that I won’t have time to do my morning routine in a mindful way as I snoozed an extra 10mins in bed (this first one is already self-contradictory)

- fear that I had forgot any important meeting for work today

- fear that if I don’t schedule my time to the hour, I will not be able to achieve everything I want to get done for the week

- fear that I’m not doing my yoga correctly 

- fear that I will miss out a spot when I brush my teeth

- fear that my dad will talk to me and make me late for work

- fear that I will forgot to bring my keys or wallet 

- fear of judgement and conscious of people looking at my phone as I type this

When I truly observe them, it’s all quite lame and unnecessary fear. It’s almost liked my brain is telling me Alert! Alert! But it’s all just self-justification. If I can just calm my brain down, or insert some logic, all of my above fears have no base / reason to even exist. 

If I was mindful and present...

- I would achieve my intention of going through my morning routine mindfully and actually started my day the way I want it to.

- I would remember important work meeting and also be ready for it.

- I would get things done the right way, with purpose and quality, not rush for quantity.

- I would not be perturb by strangers looking at my phone or even anyone rejecting my thoughts (ego). 

- I would be able to do yoga properly and connect my mind body and soul as one.

- I would brush my teeth without missing any spot.

- I would be able to have quality time with my dad and still reach work on time 

- I would remember bring all my stuff (wallet and keys)

Even if things didn’t turn out exactly as I mentioned: 

- I did spent a tad more time with my dad/ that 10mins snooze made me late for work.

- I did forgot an important work meeting.

- I didn’t clear all my do to list by this week.

- I did get rejected / frown upon by a total stranger 

- I did fell off the yoga mat

- I did missed a spot when I brush my teeth.

- I did forgot my wallet or keys.

It will not be the end of the world. As I fall mindfully, I can stand up mindfully, dust off mindfully and continue on my journey mindfully. It’s not about being perfect or achieving tons of things (both of which I believe are an illusion created by our ego) but staying trueand focus without fear getting in the way.

Fear disguises itself in various forms: 

- Reminiscence/can’t let go of the past/can’t move on > fear that you won’t experience such happiness or have a better life that before ever again.

- Worrying/incessant planning about the future > fear of losing control, fear of failure.

- Constraining yourself to fit in the society > fear of rejection, fear of being invisible

- Chasing after achievements/ success/ perfect body>fear of being deem as a failure.

All the above fears are not real and does nothing but perpetuate itself. Many times, it made me believe it’s real and because I believed it, it became real. 

There was a movie called About Time. It tells a story about a guy who can travel back in time and come back to the present. He realised that by living the day twice, he gets to linger more, savour the little things more and live a fuller life. The same things get done and same situation happened but without the rush, worry or fear (because he has already lived through the day once and know for certainty what will or will not happen). 

While I don’t have time travelling skill, nor did I ever had a chance to lived my day twice, I sure can visualise.

Let’s stimulate a very generic scenario: I want sometime and worried/ fear that it will not happen because nothing is fully 100% within my power / control. I can do 2 things:

(A) Fear and worry. 

(B) Accept now, be present

The first possible outcome is that it went as planned:

So, in (A), my fear and worry are uncalled for and I moved on to find new things to fear and worry about. The cycle continues.

In (B), I would be at peace throughout the whole process and even be grateful for the good outcome.

The other possible outcome is it didn’t went as planned:

In (A), I would have suffered through the fear and worry, suffered again as my worst fear actualized and even get stuck in the cycle of “See, I knew it will happen. I told you so” which is not constructive to the situation at all.

In (B), I will let the situation come, work within my circle of influence, be constructive, accept whatever outcome, let it come and let it go. I accept myself, I accept the situation with no judgement no expectation other than it is what it is. I'm at peace.

(B) is a clear winner.

The truth about fear is that it is nothing but an illusion conjure up by the self serving ego. It does nothing but hinders the truth and strengthen itself. The true fear actually belongs to the ego. It is afraid of it's own demise. If it doesnt create some fear, what will be left to prove of its own existence? 

Without the ego, there will be no fear. And without fear, we will live a life truer to our purpose.