My Ball of Perception

Most of my life I have been chasing something. Something fun, something cool, something to keep myself busy in the hope that the insatiable emptiness within will be filled up. Not to mention, avoiding all the layers and layers of self-coping mechanism (baggages) accumulated over the years. 

There is a lot to be unpack here but I will leave the diagram to speak for itself. (Although its not a picture with a thousand words, Im sure there's least a few hundred words. Haha) 

The only thing I would like to point out though is the pitfall. Many times while I was chasing after all the 'gems' I fell into this same hole. Again and again. The only way to go around / step over it was through awareness, conscious suffering.

Thus, I shall end this post with this classic poem:

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk 

- Portia Nelson, 1994

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Just Because

What are Just Because? 

Things that are there just because they are there.

Here are few examples:

- Taking a flyer or product sample just because someone held it infront of you / it's free.

- Looking for things to buy or eat just because you're bored.

- Saying Yes when your heart says No (and vise versa) just because its easier than explaining/addressing it.

I am a master of Just Because. Not just because I came up with 'Just Because' (haha) but truly, I'm so good at it because I see myself as flexible, bendable and adaptable. Honestly, I just want people to accept me, like me and not think Im weird. Social conformity, social acceptance. 

Let's just take a quick look inside my Just Because wardrobe. A collection of clothes I own just because..

- someone say I look good in it

- someone say it fits my style

- someone's hand me downs because they no longer wear / cant fit it but it's expensive/still new/fit me so give me

- someone gift it to me

- someone say they prefer certain outfit on me

- it's still in good quality although I have outgrown it (clothes I had for 10yrs)

- it's cheap / on sales / friend all say it's a great deal

And just because I have them, I will wear them even though it can be hard to match, uncomfortable, not my style, makes me feel conscious or restrict my movement.

Not to mention, I will feel guilty if I don't wear them often enough.

Why am I like this? So passive and irresponsible.  

 To really understand anything of our adult's life dilemma, one just need to dive into one's own childhood. That is truly a topic worth getting a degree in.[1]

Well, as a child, I never have to make any decisions. I have my parents do that for me. My mom decides my wardrobe, prefering to cover me from shoulder to knees and often with my brother's hand me downs. What goes in and when it comes out are not really up to me to be frank. Faded batman shorts, ninja turtle tees, granny panties, bring them on.

The more agreeable I am, the more obedient they say I am, and the more they like me. Can you kind of see where I'm heading?

It's not just my wardrobe. My whole life is a series of one Just Because after another.

The stuff I owned, the choices I made, even the relationships I had.

To just mention some bigger decisions:

- I studied engineering just because I don't know where to go and a lecturer (total stranger) dropped my application in his department to recruit more student.

- I signed a crappy saving plan just because the agent (total stranger) I saw at the roadshow asked me to. 

- I studied a private degree in Business Admin just because my boyfried at that time needs a companion.

- I ended up at parttime jobs just because my friends last minute can't make it and ask me to fill in for them.(Plural as it happened twice, and at each job I stayed faithfully for 2-3years straight)

- I changed my career just because someone reccomended me a new job. (this also happened twice. The first lasted 8years and the second is 4 years and counting. At both times, I was content with my old job and not even thinking of changing)

- I fell in love just because someone said they love me (every single relationship I had. Not proud. There are some I wish I didn't had) 

Wow, suddenly felt that I was damn lucky to be where I am today. Could have turn out way way worst. Haha(nervous laughter).

Anyway, back to my wardrobe. Now that I know I'm making decisions based on a lousy paradigm (agree with people so they will like me) what's next? 

Steven Covey (the author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) taught: to break or form any new habit, you must have 3 things:

- the knowledge

- the desire

- the skill 

Well I have the knowledge now. But do I have the desire to change my paradigm or the skills even to change it? 

We'll see.

[1] The School of Life : The One Subject You Really Need to Study - Your Own Childhood.

Cleaning Out My Closet

"My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't
'Til I grew up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to your stomach, doesn't it?" 

- Eminem, Cleanin' Out My Closet, 2002

Don't really know when it exactly began (the mess appear, the decluttering started), but it felt like a homecoming.

 

'Exactly' may be a wrong word. We cant really pinpoint exactly anything when we are not aware. While I do want to feel that I am a logical sentient being that is in control and aware of every single thing that is going on in my brain and with my body, the fact is I don't. Our brain just don't work this way[1]. Not sure if this is assuring or unnerving.

Take for example a creeper crawler landed ever so gently on your back and you don't know it. Does it exist? Yes. But are you aware? No. In your reality it does not exist yet until someone said :" Hey, don't move. There's something on your back" with their eyes wide open, staring and freezing you to a halt in fear. 

So, when does this incident exactly happened? It depends if you are looking from the creepy crawler point of view, your friend point of view or your own point of view. 

And what if no one notices and it simply crawled along as gently as it come? Does it exist?

A philosophical approach will answer both Yes and No.

Yes because it did happen. That's a fact.

No because no one was there to perceive what is a creepy crawler in the first place.

So when did I start to have creepy crawlers living in my closet and when did I start to clean them out? I don't know.

Before I get suck into an endless cycle of conundrum, let's go with what I do know.  In terms of physicality, I started KonMari my stuff around late last year. (Notice I use 'my stuff' instead of 'my room' because my stuff was all over the whole house)

Know about the famous Mari Kondo via Netflix more than 2 years ago. Binge-watched the whole series and started folding my clothes so that it stands on its side. Spark Joy she said. But the spark remains a spark. The joy wasn't permanent. The feeling of something missing, of not enough was still there, permanent.

So why try something that didn't work for me 2 years ago again? Well, the manga version of Mari Kondo book came out. It was an easy 1hour read with a simple story line and cute drawings. As easy and simple a book it was, the wisdom it held was deep. 

Indeed it was life-changing. Maybe the time was right as the saying goes : when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Maybe its serendipity. Maybe I already changing my life due to other catalyst and only aware about it now. Or maybe, there is no maybe. It just happened that I picked this up randomly, read through it in one sitting and realized that it makes sense.  What the Netflix series showed is only the surface: the techniques, the skills, the tools. But what the book (manga) taught was the philosophy behind them: the purpose, the reason, the 'truth' about tidying (and its opposite: clutter). 

And so, my journey of unpacking begins. The steps is easy: 

1) Decide the type of lifestyle I want.

2) Discard things that don't spark joy for me. 

3) Store item that spark joy properly, give them a proper 'home'

Note: Start with easy things like Clothes> Books > Papers and Small items > Hobby items > Sentimental so that my spark joy detector become strong enough to handle emotional stuff.

Simple ya? Ha. Ha. Ha.

I can honestly tell you that in the whole wardrobe that I have accumulated over the past 10years, there is only one single piece of item that truly spark joy for me. ONE. It's not that my standard for spark joy was way too high. On the contrary, my tolerance for 'meh' ,'ok', 'not bad' and 'not me but why not' is just way too high. I call all these the "Just Because" (which warrant a separate post all by itself.) 

Not to mention discarding things was never easy, at least for me. I'm a hoarder who keeps her primary school story books until now (20yrs+) and eat every scrap of food even though I'm so full I want to puke.

"In the end, people are unable to discard things either because they are attached to the past or afraid of the future...And thus, we can't see what we need, what will satisfy us, and what we are really seeking."

While I can't say that this book, being a manga, helped me let go of all these fear and attachment, it did help me identify things for what it is. And with this identification, I can start to sort them out, put them in the right boxes and then start to work on how to make peace with them and let them go.

When truly dive in, I realized that what I was tidying was not so much my stuff but my soul. As within, so without.

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Footnotes

[1] "An idea that has been activated does not merely evoke one other idea. It activates many ideas, which in turn activate others. Furthermore, only a few of the activated ideas will register in consciousness most of the work of  associative thinking is silent, hidden from our conscious selves. The notice that we have limited access to the workings of our minds is difficult to accept because, naturally, it is alien to our experience ,but it is true: you know far less about yourself than you feel you do." - Daniel Kanehman, Thinking Fast and slow, 2011